From masking to embracing my unique weirdness…
The truth is, I’m not like anyone else – and now I love it.
I remember when I used to hate not fitting in. I used to believe I was defective and incapable of doing the things that ‘normal’ people did. Anxiety used to pulse through me like small waves crashing on the shore. It was awful, uncomfortable and hugely traumatic. I would have given anything to have been ‘normal’ then. What was normal for everyone else, felt like an uphill struggle for me. Every day was a new battle. The unwritten language of normality was something I couldn’t speak.
I personally think the concept of ‘normal’ should be outlawed. There’s only what’s normal for you.
Is anyone actually normal?
What I actually wanted was to not feel ostracised for being different. If I had been accepted for who I was, it would have been a little bit easier. In the 1980’s there was not much autism awareness. Needless to say, I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out what the mysterious rules of social interaction were and how I could act my way through it all.
Primary school wasn’t enjoyable — it was a living hell for me. All I can remember is feeling hot, anxious with sweaty palms and wondering when I would be told off for not solving the maths problem in front of me that everyone else seemed to do with ease. I knew I wasn’t like everyone else back then — but it was more of a threat to my survival than a strength. I had nowhere else to run so I imploded from within.
I honestly don’t think anyone can say with certainty that they are part of what is considered ‘normal’ society. That is a very subjective phenomenon. Since discovering my neurodivergence, I feel I am beginning to embody my true self at last (it’s only taken the best part of 41 years!) but better late than never, I suppose. Now, I love the fact that I am different. I know I am not meant to fit in — and that’s a good feeling.
Finding the confidence to free myself from masking took YEARS. I think I actually learned to mask professionally. I perfected the art of looking ‘normal’ so much so that I repressed my true self to the point where I didn’t know where the mask ended and I began. It was just something I had become so used to.
Was it a good thing?
Yes and no.
I found the strength and the resilience to survive in the neurotypical world but it came at the cost of sacrificing who I actually was for the majority of the time. Nobody could see it. I had turned hiding it into an artform. I studied music at university, specialising in classical music performance and looking back, those three years of intense precision practice were really just about me trying to look and become perfect in the eyes of the people around me — when that concept didn’t even work for me. It was only when I embraced my flaws and imperfections that I felt I was becoming more myself and dare I say it — more human. I wanted respect, validation and recognition when I was in my early twenties because I felt nobody really cared I could do things. I was determined to do it even if it affected my mental health. This wasn’t healthy at all.
I can see how my struggle to be included was actually completely detrimental to my wellbeing. I didn’t feel I had any other option because the alternative felt like no choice at all. I didn’t want to be invisible and I didn’t want to be written off as stupid and incapable of achieving the things that others did. That’s why I pushed myself so hard. I was totally burned out after graduation — but I still kept going.
Stopping and giving up was never something I did and to this day, I keep going no matter what. I consider this aspect of my autism as something that has stood me in good stead — I became a fighter and I learned to hit back when the odds were stacked against me. The problem was, I had learned to take it to the extreme but this is something I no longer do.
Now, I stim openly. (I always used to hide this out of shame but now I do it when I feel I need to). That has been incredibly liberating for me as I feel I can let go of the effects of stress and anxiety more easily. I watch films and listen to songs on repeat without feeling I need to explain why. (The main reasons being that it is comforting, grounding and relaxing for me). I speak my mind more often than not these days. I used to worry so much about what people would think of me if I was honest — now I am no longer concerned about any of this.
If I want to dance around at home listening to my favourite dance tracks — I do it without inhibition. If it feels good and it makes me happy, I do it. I don’t force myself to do things that make me feel sad and depressed (like working in jobs that I can’t stand or listen to so called ‘friends’ take advantage of my time and energy when they want to vent their problems and then drop me like a stone after). I don’t go to social events where I am expected to make small talk for ages. I say ‘no thank you’ to these invitations without feeling guilty in the ways I used to. I feel my boundaries are now iron clad. Nobody can make me do things I quite simply do not want to do and that tells me that I am now valuing who I truly am rather than feeling I need to apologise for it.
Now if someone says:
“You’re so weird…”
I reply with:
“Yes I am…” and a smile.
Being weird is more fun. Life takes you off the beaten track more often and you learn more about the world, other people and most importantly, you learn a lot more about who you truly are. I wouldn’t change it for anything now. If I am being totally honest, I am still learning about who I am and I don’t think this journey ever stops. It is a life-commitment to being our true selves because we are constantly evolving through life. The more we learn, the more we grow.
Thanks for reading! 🙏
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DISCLAIMER: This article is not a substitute for receiving medical/mental health support or diagnosis. Please consult your G.P. if you are struggling with any of the issues in this article. This article in no way indicates that the above mentioned points will guarantee a healing solution. They are general points only.
