An Epic Poem Pick For The Super Bowl

And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.

San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore

Baltimore is one of my favorite places
All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces
I like going to watch the Orioles
And checking out “The Wire” rows

And so is San Francisco with its cool fog
hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog
I particularly love eating at House of Nanking
And just kinda ordering one of everything

Casual fans can cheer for both teams this year
Just sit back, watch the ads, drink beer
And for fans of the Ravens and the Niners
Tweet like complete and total whiners

Like Jonathan Franzen’s ridiculous prose
Colin Kaepernick will be hideously exposed
Rookie quarterbacks and Super Bowls seldom mix
His head they may have to re-affix

For the Ravens love aiming above the chin
And knocking people’s skulls out of their skin
He has a great arm and can run like hell
I just hope Ed Reed doesn’t ring his bell

Joe Flacco is good but unspectacular
Not “elite” in the current vernacular
But he is good enough to get a big win
Torrey Smith gives cornerbacks chagrin

LaMichael James could be a key
He and Bernard Pierce running with glee.
Ray Rice and Frank Gore might be contained
Let’s just hope no players get arraigned

It’s always nice when the game’s in the Superdome
New Orleans should be the Super Bowl’s home
It is always fun for players and fans to travel there
get drunk, fire a gun in the air, strip to their underwear

And this game pits two brothers at odds
It’s like Sigmund Freud made a bet with God
It’s bad enough to lose a Super Bowl
The losing brother probably loses his soul

And Ray Lewis is great in TV ads
He’s like a giant Teddy Bear in football pads
If he was a preacher I’d take up religion
I might even show up for church a smidgen

Maybe the Ravens’ defense is old
And after two weeks their offense might be cold
But I feel like karma’s on their side
especially after Alex Smith was brushed aside

I can’t help but feel like it will be a close game
if either team loses it will be a shame
The difference will probably be a field goal
And David Akers lately is a kick-missing suck troll

I will really miss the NFL, it will be a long offseason
if I get depressed lack of football will be the reason
I hope you enjoy the game and I hope you watch
by the second quarter I’ll be on Twitter drinking scotch

PICK: RAVENS

Haiku Picks went 1 win and 1 tie last week. That’s a season record of 0–900. Better luck next year.


Next week Jim Behrle turns 40. He tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.