Beasts Launch War On Mankind With Deadly Elephant Rampage

“Two wild elephants stormed into Mysore early Wednesday, trampling one person to death and causing panic in this cultural city … After three hours of high-voltage drama and mayhem, the twin jumbos were tranquilised by forest guards and chained to trees.”
— It’s true! The global animal uprising has apparently commenced. (And yes, there is evidence of that “cross-species coordination against human hegemony” that Barbara Ehrenreich was talking about.) It’s going down! Two legs vs. four! Which side are you on?!