Donald Trump Sounds Like a Tween on Summer Break

School’s out.


President D*nald Tr*mp did a brief interview with the New York Times Tuesday where he chatted about his first few days in the White House. The whole piece is worth reading, but what really caught my eye were the moments where our president comes off like a tween on Summer break. You know that weird pocket in late middle school where you’re too old for a trip to the playground, but too young to apply for a job as a chipper cashier? Sure, you can babysit or watch the neighbor’s dog when those gigs pop up, but it probably won’t fill your days from 9–5. So unless you’re in a pool or first-kissing a crush, your rightful place is on this couch trying to beat your fastest time in a jetskiing game you got for your birthday seven years ago. Your mom just needs to accept that.

This also seems to be the attitude of our current commender-in-chief. Don’t take my word for it, though. Maybe you’ll encounter these descriptions and think, “Sounds like a guy who’s on top of things to me!” We contain multitudes.

His morning routine kind of bleeds into his evening routine.

…his meetings now begin at 9 a.m., earlier than they used to, which significantly curtails his television time. Still, Mr. Trump, who does not read books, is able to end his evenings with plenty of television.

If he wanted to go outside, he’d be outside.

For decades, he has lived in a penthouse apartment on the 58th floor of Trump Tower and taken an elevator down to the 26th floor, where he has a corner office with views of Central Park. Many presidents have complained of being cooped up inside the White House — George W. Bush in particular said he missed the outdoors — but Mr. Trump can go for days without breathing in fresh outside air.

Being alone doesn’t mean he’s lonely, for the record.

Mr. Trump’s wife, Melania, went back to New York on Sunday night with their 10-year-old son, Barron, and so Mr. Trump has the television — and his old, unsecured Android phone, to the protests of some of his aides — to keep him company.

But if you’re going to the store could you pick up something good?

The kitchen has been stocked with the same types of snacks that Mr. Trump had on his private plane, including Lay’s potato chips.

He’s planning to put some posters up.

The president spent a part of Tuesday poring over artwork from the White House collections, settling on a portrait of Andrew Jackson — America’s first populist president, who has been invoked by Mr. Trump’s aides as inspiration — to hang in the Oval Office.

I rest my case.