So it’s March (surprise!) and you may be thinking, “Oh man! Thank goodness winter is almost over!” In fact, you may even be THAT GUY, the one who grew up in Wisconsin or wherever who always, when there is just a little bit of sun outside and the temperature creeps into the low 50’s (despite it still being “feels like” mid-40’s with the wind chill factor), puts on shorts and a hoodie and walks around pretending like you’re not freezing, because you’re just so aggressive about transitioning into spring, or something — even as I write this I’m trying to understand the logic of this particular type of person but I really don’t get it at all. If you are THAT GUY, please stop doing this, it makes us all feel very uncomfortable. (For all of you who are not THAT GUY, bring THAT GUY up in conversation; you’ll find that he’s surprisingly very universal). Anyway, before you start putting away all your winter clothes, packing up your down jackets and whatnot to be bury in the back of your closet (Narnia?), let me make a case to you. A case for sweaters.
Now I know what you’re thinking (or maybe I don’t, I’m not really making the argument that I’m clairvoyant here): “I like sweaters already!” But sweaters, like the other things you take for granted in your life and don’t appreciate enough (other things in this category include: the crisper drawer in your refrigerator, hot water, and the alarm clock on your cell phone), deserve more credit, praise, and use than you’re currently giving them.
One of the best things about sweaters is how they really can accommodate any situation. I’m assuming you know that sweaters are warm and that wearing them as a base layer when it’s cold outside is in your best interests. I’m assuming you’re not an idiot. So moving on from their most rudimentary function, let’s look at some ways you could be using sweaters better.
Are you a guy? (SORRY LADIES.) Do you often not know how to dress in social settings aside from putting on some sort of striped shirt and denim with stitching on the pockets (maybe stop doing that btw) and dress shoes with a boxy toe in the front? Perhaps you should lose the blazer that you were going to wear on top of this “cool” ensemble and put on a sweater instead! In an informal survey of people on my gchat, a majority indicated that they appreciate a good sweater more than a good blazer. The two articles of clothing serve the same function, but one makes you look significantly less like a) a dick and b) everyone else. And you know what? If you love your blazer, great news! You can still wear a sweater underneath your blazer, and you will still look cooler than you would otherwise.
(Sidebar: if you ever find yourself dressed too much like someone who appears on “elimiDATE,” maybe take a step back, look in the mirror, and reevaluate. Are you being your best self?)
Are you a guy who misses the touch of people? Well, put on a soft fuzzy sweater, and I promise that (not like a real promise, but you know, the kind of noncommital promise someone who writes something on the Internet makes to a stranger) the next time you’re in a social setting, someone will touch your sweater, because they have nothing else to do, and be like, “Hey! That’s a really nice/soft sweater!” Make sure you have words planned for after this compliment, because if not, you will be the weird guy in a sweater, and sweaters don’t deserve to be ruined by someone like you.
If you’re a girl and wondering how to wear sweaters, the only real advice I can give you is that you’re not Felicity, and a big, chunky turtleneck sweater is not ALWAYS the answer.
So you’ve figured out how to wear a sweater. Congratulations! But what else are sweaters good for besides just you wearing them to make yourself look nice or be warm? That’s a great question. Do you ever find yourself perplexed as to what to get someone as a gift? Well, if it’s someone above the age of 15, you can get them a sweater! I know it might seem boring, but you know what never goes out of style? Sweaters. If you get someone a cool sweater, someone will always come up to them and be like, “Hey, you, nice sweater!” (Honestly, people say the weirdest things in social situations when they have nothing else to talk about. It is estimated that 73% of all cocktail party conversation is sweater-related.) And then you will forever be associated in their memory as the person who got them a great sweater and also a great compliment. Believe it or not, Arianna Huffington gets her entire staff sweaters every year for the holidays. I mean, should I even keep writing? Have you already left this tab to go peruse sweaters for all of your gift-giving needs?
Now that you’re into sweaters, go mix it up a little! This is a whole new world for you! Get excited! Maybe something with a nice pattern? Go crazy! (But not argyle. Don’t ever wear argyle. If you take anything away from today’s lesson, and you almost certainly will, it should be this: Argyle is to be avoided in any circumstance.) Sweater up, everyone. It will make all the difference in the world.
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