How To Know If You’re Ready To Do A Tweetstorm

Here’s what you need to think about before you grace the world with your wisdom.

Summon down thunder on your Twitter followers: the thunder of YOUR GENIUS. Photo: Zooey

Tweetstorms! They’re in the news, for some reason. It seems like everyone’s doing them! Maybe you want to be a part of this magic social media experience too! Sure, go ahead! But before you start a tweetstorm, ask yourself the following questions, which should help you focus on the task at hand and really determine whether you are ready to speak to the masses.

  1. Is what I have to say important?

2. Is it worth the time it will take for me to type it out?

3. Do its contents reflect an actual desire to impart knowledge on my part or is it just an obvious cry for attention?

4. Will what I share bring anything new to the conversation or am I just saying the same things everyone else has said before, but I am convinced they are more important because they are coming from me?

5. In a world which is already drowning in words that have no more meaning than a desire for acknowledgment on the part of the people who put them out there, will the torrent of verbiage I am about to inflict just add to the toxic landfill of the Internet?

6. Am I sure my opinion is so worthwhile that other people want to sit through a continuous short-burst monologue of it?

7. Twenty minutes after I post it and the likes and replies start trailing off will I feel empty at first and then increasingly embarrassed by the sheer narcissism it took to offer up my vapid and poorly-processed attempts at instruction? Will my cheeks burn with shame?

8. Who do I think I am? Why do I feel so alone? Am I about to cry?

9. Wait, were those likes genuine? Can I believe the magic of their sighs? Does anyone really like me? Are they all laughing at me? Do they see right through me? Does everyone know I’m faking it?

10. WHY WHY WHY DID I TWEETSTORM? I’m such an idiot. Ugh, they were all right about me. WHY WAS I EVEN BORN?

And that’s it! Once you’ve run through these questions, you’re ready to tweetstorm, because clearly if you are even considering doing something so showy, shallow and stupid you are not going to let a little thing like self-doubt get in your way! You probably don’t even know what self-doubt is! Good luck! I’m sure they’ll be falling all over each other to Storify your life-changing insights! What? No, I’ve just got a cramp in my hand, I am totally not making the “jerking off” motion at you! Get out of here, your public is waiting! Just make sure you retweet yourself in a couple of hours for the West Coast.