Is This The Sexiest Emoji Alive?

Sure, why the hell not.

Flickr

Today, People magazine named Dwayne “The Rock“ Johnson 2016's Sexiest Man Alive, and currently, #SexiestManAlive is trending in the United States. Every time someone tweets using that hashtag, a little emoji autopopulates next to it:

Hm. That view’s a little small. Siri: enhance.

Still pretty small. I guess that illustrates my point, though, which is: this image requires too much detail to be scaled so teenie tiny. Is a biceps curl emblematic of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Of course! And I bet this illustration looked amazing when it was 1,000% bigger and someone was animating it on a tablet in a cafe wearing a gem tone in front of an exposed-brick wall But at this size, this emoji could also be:

  • a coat hook
  • a coconut shrimp
  • a fetus
  • a scorpion
  • Cape Cod
  • someone waving hello

When you think about it, winning the title of “most sexual penis haver” is kind of like beating the final boss of masculine power. It announces that 1) you are desirable; 2) more so than your peers, whose dicks are much less in demand, and; 3) you are not dead. The big three. The large trois. Twitter could’ve gone for something simple and elegant like a heart or a trophy, but they didn’t. They went big. They went a little overboard, tbh. And maybe even realized they’d gone overboard at some point during the design process, but figured, “It’s too late to stop now,” which is actually a historically masculine tradition. So maybe that ability to make you frown and say, “What’s that?” is actually this emoji’s greatest asset, and it’s a perfect visual representation of #SexiestManAlive. Hm.

Never mind.

Good emoji, Twitter.