January Jones Is Wack

OK, so admittedly this is totally yesterday but the rumor that January Jones might be tangling junk with Jeremy Piven is SO FUNNY. Because anyone who’s disappointed and didn’t already think she was exactly this flavor of asshole needs to raise their hands so I can tag them for being losers. In fact, don’t raise your hand, I BET I CAN TELL WHO YOU ARE.

It’s not even the whole, oh, she threw Ashton under the bus for destinytampering and telling her when they were dating that she couldn’t act, blahblahblah. because whatever, it’s all very douche calling the douche douche-but Piven!

I mean, who is this insecure? You’d think she could snake some higher grade fuckery. A Bradley Cooper. Or a Gerard Butler. At least those dudes are freakshow warlocks when it comes to collecting all of the pussy EVER. so you know there’s some sort of venereal voodoo afoot.

I mean, really, did Piven even have to say anything beyond, “Say babe, you ever think maybe your nose was too small?” and then she wigs out because he’s looking all up into her secret self, way past how goddamn smokin’ she is and “sees her” on some Na’vi shit and it’s game over.

I’m not saying she’s not attractive, and I’m not saying she doesn’t give good sternumboob on GQ covers. All I’m saying is that I’ve spent a lot of time with the ladies. Certainly enough to make sweeping generalizations about ones that I’ve never ever met and there’s just something about JJ that reeks of the type of hot chick who makes a really big show of being extra nice to the retard kid until he accidentally gets spit on her and then the meanface comes out for a second until she realizes we’re all watching and then sweetface comes out. AND that January Jones totally pinched the retard kid just then and I SAW IT ALL.