North Korea Actually Wants To Nuke Austin Because Of Its Racist Hipsters

by Abe Sauer

Last weekend, when North Korea’s United States Strike Plan was revealed, one city’s inclusion had everyone baffled. The list included Washington D.C., Hawaii, Los Angeles and… Austin, Texas.

“No one seems to have any clue about how that last one made it on,” Slate wrote. The genius foreign policy analysts at Townhall opined that “The literal answer, and literal target, is South Korea’s Samsung Electronics Co.’s Samsung Austin Semiconductor (SAS) manufacturing facility.” Less serious reasoning has blamed South By Southwest.

Nope! The real reason Kim Jung-un is targeting Austin for destruction is hipsters. Because of their acts of aggression against North Korea.

In September of last year, Austin’s Alamo Drafthouse Fantastic Fest Film Festival played host to the premier of the new — and long awaited — Red Dawn reboot, which featured a North Korean invasion of the USA.

By its own account, the all-out premier party transformed the “Austin American Legion into a maximum-security prison for the ultimate Red Dawn shindig.” At the party, “prisoners” experienced “mandatory enjoyment from delousing stations as well as free prison tattoos and head-shaves.”

The party also featured “torturoke,” described as “regular karaoke except you have electrodes strapped to your chest” allowing the audience to administer electric shocks to poor singers.

Beyond setting the perfect North Korea atmosphere, Austin’s Alamo Drafthouse founder and Red Dawn party host, Tim League, dressed up as Kim Jung-un’s father Kim Jung-il (“Tim Jung Il”) complete with “slanty eyes” glasses, black wig and characteristic Dear Leader suit.

Really, it’s enough to make anyone want to nuke Austin.