OK Google, Just Stop.

A married couple has an argument by proxy

Husband: OK Google, what time does the Knicks game start tonight?

Google: The New York Knicks will be playing the Charlotte Hornets tonight at 7:00 p.m.

Wife: OK Google, play Regina Spektor.

Google: Sure, here’s Regina Spektor on Spotify.

Husband: OK Google, stop!

Husband: OK Google, play Mumford and Sons.

Google: All right, playing Mumford and Sons on Spotify.

Wife: OK Google, play age-appropriate music for a middle-aged man.

Google: I am sorry, I don’t know how to play that.

Husband: OK Google, play music that isn’t also playing at a Starbucks right now.

Google: I am sorry, I don’t know how to play that.

Wife: OK Google, what are the typical terms of the, “I cook, YOU clean” rule?

Google: I’m not sure how to help with that.

Husband: OK Google, why would someone buy several large kitchen appliances and never use them?

Google: Sorry, I’m not sure how to help with that yet.

Wife: OK Google, how many days can dishes sit in the sink before they mold?

Google: I’m not sure how to help with that yet, but my team is helping me learn.

Husband: OK Google, what is the line between clutter and hoarding?

Google: Sorry, I’m not sure how to help with that, but I’m learning more everyday.

Wife: OK Google, set alarm for 7:43 a.m.

Google: All right, your alarm is set for tomorrow at 7:43 a.m.

Husband: OK Google, what is OCD?

Google: According to Mayo Clinic: excessive thoughts, obsessions that lead to repetitive behaviors. Compulsions.

Wife: OK Google, set a second alarm for 8:03 a.m. and then another 13 minutes after that.

Google: All right, your alarm is set for tomorrow at 8:03 am.

Husband: OK Google, what are the negative effects of staring at a computer screen right before bed?

Google: Sorry, I don’t know how to help with that yet.

Wife: OK Google, shut off the TV as soon as the Knicks game ends!

Google: Sorry. Power Control is not yet supported.

Husband: OK Google, was Facebook made to make people sad and angry?

Google: Sorry, I don’t know how to help with that yet.

Wife: OK Google, what is Sleep deprivation?

Google: Sleep deprivation: the situation or condition of suffering from a lack of sleep.

Husband: OK Google, where can one typically find the toothpaste?

Google: Sorry, I can’t help with that yet.

Wife: OK Google, what is the best way to remove beard hair shavings and “ball drying” powder embedded into the toilet seat?

Google: It’s hard to say.

Husband: OK Google, sorry, WHERE is the toothpaste?

Google: Sorry, I don’t know how to help with that.

Wife: OK Google, are you kidding me, right where you f-ing left it!!!!

Google: My apologies, I don’t understand.

Husband: OK Google, what is the most effective mood stabilizer according to current research?

Google: Sorry, I don’t understand.

Wife: OK Google, what are ATTRACTIVE solutions for snorers or sufferers of sleep apnea?

Google: Sorry, I don’t know how to help with that yet.

Husband: OK Google, how often do average couples have sex?

Google: According to Everyday Family and David Schnarch, Ph.D., through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less.

Husband: OK Google, shut up!

Google: Not talking. Starting Now.

Wife: OK Google, what kind of a man tells his partner he will make time to babysit so she can pursue her dreams and then just totally fucking doesn’t?

Google: Sorry I don’t understand.

Husband: OK Google, is there a term to describe a woman who gives the impression that she is passionate and sexual when the future of the relationship is uncertain and then dries up like brittle aged balsa wood when obstacles to lasting intimacy are removed?

Google: Sorry, I don’t know how to help with that yet.

Wife: OK Google, when are you going to get your driver’s license! You’re a 45 year old man-child!

Google: I don’t understand!

Husband: OK Google, what was Aunt Bernice’s advice to us on our wedding day about going to bed angry?

Google: My apologies, I don’t understand.

Wife: OK Google, PLEASE! What is a cliché?

Google: Cliché: a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

Husband: OK Google, what’s the sound of a man’s soul slowly dying?

Google: Sorry I’m not sure how to help with that, but I’m learning more everyday.

Wife: OK Google, play “How To Disappear Completely” by Radiohead.

Google: All right, playing “How To Disappear Completely” on Spotify.

Husband: OK Google, play…

Wife: No, stop.

Husband: OK Google…

Wife: NO, I’m serious, stop. OK Google, STOP! STOP! STOOOOOPPP!


Joanne Solomon is a writer/performer living in New York. She performs with the Moth and 5th Wall Studio. She is currently writing a memoir about her years as an aerialist in De La Guarda, the off-Broadway, immersive theatrical experience from Argentina.

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