Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Trump?
Rating other famous orange characters, on a scale of 1 to Donald
Between the jack-o-lanterns, fall leaves, artificially-colored seasonal lattes and motherfucking decorative gourd season, this is typically the most orange-hued time of year. But thanks to the sniffling, saffron-skinned standard-bearer for the GOP, we are awash in even more orange than usual this fall. Say what you will, Trump is certainly the candidate most inspired by Hamilton.* In celebration of this unusual Election Day/Halloween crossover, and in honor of the 50th anniversary of It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (first aired October 1966) here’s a list of famous orange personas, rated on a scale of Trump-to-10, based on how closely aligned in pigment and temperament they are to The Donald.
The Human Torch/The Thing: Both orange members of the Fantastic Four (“just fantastic. So great…”) gained their powers by accident (much the same way Trump came upon his family fortune). Both have catchphrases that could easily work for Trump: The Human Torch’s “Flame on!” would be perfect for Trump’s 3am tweetstorms (the Torch’s real name is Johnny Storm, after all), and The Thing’s “It’s clobberin’ time!” is actually Trump’s secret plan to defeat ISIS — not in a nutshell, but in its entirety. 😡😡😡😡
Annoying Orange: The obnoxious star of the eponymous, hugely popular web series frequently mocks his fellow fruit cart denizens, and, like Trump, gives them demeaning nicknames (Apefruit, Plumpkin, Midget Apple, etc…). He engages in constant attention-seeking behavior, tells offensive jokes and imitates bodily functions.
“Hey Ted! Hey, hey Ted!”
“Wife! Mine’s hotter than yours! Now get back to the phone banks, Turd! Ha ha ha ha ha…” 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
Scott Thompson — aka Carrot Top: Like Trump, the ginger Gallagher keeps us wondering what ridiculous thing he’ll pull out next from his bag of tricks. Also, in an interview earlier this year (with noted VJ/Fox journalist Kennedy), Carrot Top said he believed Trump was good for politics the way McEnroe was good for tennis: temper tantrums not only make for good TV, they disrupt the status quo. Then he pulled out a pair of “Chris Christie skinny jeans” (a tiny pair of jeans glued onto an XXL pair of pants). Hilarious! 😡😡😡😡
Tony The Tiger: MAKE AMERICA GRRRRREAT AGAIN! It doesn’t matter if his cereal lacks marshmallows or colorful pebbles or chocolatey/fruity flavors or anything that would remotely lift it above the mediocre bowl of sugary Special K that it actually is. Tony and Trump live in a tautological fantasy of their own creation — Frosted Flakes are great because Tony says they are great — orange finger emphatically swooped skyward to emphasize their obvious (to him) superiority. 😡😡😡😡😡
The Monster — aka Gossamer: This curious orange giant first appeared in a 1946 Chuck Jones classic, “A Hair-Raising Hare,” a cartoon where even Bugs Bunny turns misogynist (“That’s the trouble with some dames. Kiss ’em and they fall apart.”) Wikipedia describes the Monster thusly: “The word “gossamer” means any sort of thin, fragile, transparent material…The name is meant to be ironic, since the character is large, menacing, and destructive.” Gossamer is ultimately undone by his vain insecurity about his fingers, and by his sudden realization that an audience is watching and evaluating his every move. 😡😡😡
Garfield: Fat, sadistic, self-indulgent, and smug. This also describes Garfield. 😡😡😡😡😡😡
Chester Cheetah: It was Republican political strategist Rick Wilson who most famously compared Trump to the dusty orange snack food, as he railed against members of the RNC back in June for not renouncing their “Cheeto Jesus,” despite all his obvious (and destructive) shortcomings. Nearly ten years ago, Cheetos created an adult-targeted campaign with a rebooted, “dangerously cheesy” Chester Cheetah. As Slate contributor Seth Stevenson noted back in 2008, the new ads feature a “sinister tone, and, above all, Chester’s cruel insouciance.” Chester encourages his followers to play cruel jokes on their friends and family, and has “evolved into a complex character, one with mysteriously dark motives…[who is] prodding us to do ill to our fellow man…” Visitors to Chester’s webpage (orangeunderground.com) are greeted with the message, “Welcome. My homepage is your homepage. Except it’s about me and all the great stuff I do.” Swap out “campaign” for “homepage” and the Cheeto Jesus has risen. 😡😡😡😡😡
Oompah Loompas: I have a theory: Trump is actually the illicit love-child of Willy Wonka and an oompa loompa. This would explain his orange skin tone, crazy hair, and personality: He gets his manipulative cruel streak, penchant for naming products after himself, and insane detachment from reality from his candyman father, and develops his id-driven/playboy persona in reaction to the incessant (musical) moralizing of his oompa-loompa mother. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
The Great Pumpkin: Come election day, Republicans may realize too late that, like Sally, they were hoodwinked into giving up all their candy for a chance to revel in the mythic glory of The Great Pumpkin. As Linus — I mean Priebus — fights for his professional life, he will somehow try to convince his base — their heads bowed like a sad Charlie Brown — that there’s always next year, if they just believe a little harder. In the mean time, I hope they enjoy their bag of rocks. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
Eric Schulmiller has written humorous pieces for McSweeney’s and The New Yorker, and on culture for The New York Times Magazine, The Atlantic, Slate, and The Forward. You can follow him on twitter at @wwhipster