Things To Tweet When Your Favorite Celebrity Couples Split Up

This is much easier than we’re making it

Image: Adam Kuśmierz

Drake and Rihanna broke up. We know this because The News is telling us. The pair never announced that they were together to begin with, so who’s to say what the terms and conditions of their alleged arrangement were, but somehow, this week, the media determined that the two are over and that Drake has moved on with another woman. I bring this up because the way I’ve seen individual outlets posting about this news is… a lot.

I guess I’ll start with a bold proclamation: It is my preference that some companies not be voiced like teens. Namely my newspapers (you can call any site with any kind of news a newspaper if you want). If you are a TV show starring an alien with a catchphrase, it makes sense that your tweets would have a certain kind of vibe, but I’m not looking for that from The News. Don’t get me wrong, I love a too-close-read on a celebrity story as much as the next person—it’s just…a magazine shouldn’t need to get over Drake and Rihanna’s breakup because a magazine should have never been on-the-record excited for them in the first place. Be a fact-dispenser in my feed, not a fan.

Bearing that in mind, here are some tweets any media company—or individual who identifies as a media company—is free to use when a celebrity couple breaks up:

  • two adults have decided not to kiss
  • sucks—some artists made a tough call with regard to their hearts and genitals
  • this, like most things, is not about me