Watches are the Devil’s Accoutrement!

In these overclocking times, watches are nothing but a giant wad of burned cash hanging on your wrist. They’re like a vulgar codpiece of consumption, but, like, on your arm. They are, almost, evil.

They’re heavy. They’re annoying. They’re pretty much duplicative. They’re one more thing to sweat under in summer. They leave very awkwardly shaped tan lines. Also, yes, sometimes they’re very pretty!

Watches are all status, all symbol and not really much function. I mean, they’re a timepiece? Since you already have an iPhone and a BlackBerry clipped to your belt (oh my God, do you really? Come on), you already know what time and day it is.

And yet, there are wonderful moments for them.

On an airplane.

If you are like me, and of course you are, you want to know how much longer that flight lasts. As soon as you are “safe” to use “approved electronic devices” — which, I really try not to think about how my Bose noise-canceling headphones might possibly interfere with takeoff and ascent! Because I know the answers! — I set a little countdown timer till landing. But that system is prone to failure (unlike hydraulic landing gear), because then you have to turn off your electronic devices again at the end. This is when a watch is really handy! Get a cheap Swatch!

In a sauna or steam room.

You don’t want to overstay your steaming welcome. Time both crawls and flies in there and you don’t want to lose an hour and four gallons of bodily moisture. Also you want something to look at in a bored manner if someone is giving you the sexy side-eye and you don’t swing that way.

In court.

Just to look nice. And also you shouldn’t pull out your phone with the judge in the room, it’s bad form.

Around rich people.

Rich people love watches more than any other kind of person! When you’re around rich people, just mutter “Vacheron Constantin, Girard-Perregaux” over and over and they’ll love you and accept you. Those are also, if I were a person who could stand to have a watch on or near me, the only makers of watches to whom I would give my money.

On the plus side….

The one really good thing about a truly expensive watch is that, like with diamonds, you can easily flee the country with them and exchange them for cash when you arrive at your new home in non-extradition territory. Disasters only happen to poor and therefore unprepared people!

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