What the Gays are Really Saying About ‘Twilight: Eclipse’

And here is what the gays are really saying about Eclipse, which really is a movie that doesn’t make a lot of internal sense when you view it through any lens except that of intense lady-tween sexual longing and the madness of adolescence: “The vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley.” Also? “This franchise is ‘subverting’ the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining the age-old truth that women are weak and need to be protected until marriage.” Oh and also they want to have sex with Taylor Lautner, I guess.