Give Me Ice Cream, or Give Me Death
Plus, a guide to choosing your store-bought ice cream today
To put it bluntly, I’m an ice cream connoisseur. And I don’t take that lightly (with it being a French word and all). I’ve tried ice creams from Portland to Miami, from San Antonio to Minneapolis. From a vendor outside of Stonehenge. In 105 degree summers and 30 degree winters. Tahitian vanilla bean at the Shutters? Check. Little Man in Denver? Check. Blue Bell, Dreyers, Breyers, Ben & Jerry’s, Adams, and the list goes on and on.
Ice cream has been a shared human bond all the way back to the days of Alexander the Great. Its history is one of the most coldly contested, and obviously so, with several cultures claiming to have created it with their own unique legends. Most people trace it back to either East Asia or Persia, where ice from mountaintops was flavored with honey and fruit. This transformed into a slightly more modern version thanks to the Italians in the 1600s, at which point it was enjoyed primarily by the wealthy. In the late 1700s, our founding fathers spent hundreds of dollars buying the stuff for their estates. Thomas Jefferson even had his own recipe for use in the White House and at Monticello. Thankfully, some good ‘ole American ingenuity brought ice cream to the masses via commercialized production, as well as in-home cranks. Today, we have options that range from vanilla to strawberry to cookies and cream to cookie dough to banana pudding and beyond. We like ice cream so much that we take other foods and add them to ice cream, but not vice versa. I don’t see anyone putting ice cream in banana pudding!
Now, back to my expertise eating the subject. Have you ever eaten a full half gallon (yes, you read that right, a full HALF GALLON) of ice cream in one sitting? I have. Am I proud of it? It’s a mixed response that comes to mind. But if the good Lord gave me one talent greater than all others, it very well might be ice cream consumption.
Some people like cake. Some people like brownies. Some people like cookies. And often, at birthday parties or other celebrations, I’m asked if I want cake and ice cream. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll play nice and eat your cake. But I don’t want it. What I want is a triple helping of that sweet, heavenly nectar scooped from a paper carton.
Now, let’s settle something else. Yes, I’m talking about ice cream. Not froyo, not sherbet, not sorbet. Custard and gelato on the other hand… in the U.S. at least, they’re close enough to count. I won’t be that picky. My guiding principle: the higher the calorie count, the better.
To be honest, my palette hasn’t come across many ice creams it doesn’t like. But if there is, it’s the hipster stands that are opening in Austin and elsewhere trying to sell vegan, organic, honey-and-balsamic “ice cream” substitute. Sure, that stuff is more reflective of ice cream when it was first created, but I don’t live in the year 200 B.C. I’m here for America’s version of it. Ice cream is a gift to be cherished, not tainted. Give me ice cream, or give me death.
So I know what you’re thinking. What is the best ice cream, Mr. Ice Cream Connoisseur? Well, I don’t have just one, and many factors determine my rankings (scoop shop vs. store, time of day, how recently I’ve eaten, etc.). But, to give you a quick reference, here are my three favorite store brands in no particular order: Ben & Jerry’s (thickest), Tillamook (creamiest), Blue Bell (lightest). Just like the children I don’t actually have, I have no favorites in the bunch. They are all perfect in their own ways.
Anyways, I’ll leave you with the guide below. Use it when trying to decide what you’re picking up from the store after reading this article. What’s your favorite ice cream? Leave your favorites in the comments below.
