Top Scams and Heists in Southeast Asia
Thirteen unlucky ways not to get lucky on your vacay
1. Hooker-while-you’re-sleeping-stole-all-your-money and Granddad’s-priceless-watch Heist
Well, it pretty much goes without saying, “Whores are not real people.” What the fuck are you doing letting her watch you sleep?
The only thing you’re really paying for is for her to leave, so hold her to the type of professional standard her parents never did and ask her to get the fuck out. What are you going to tell Granddad now?
2. Lady Boy Street-Walker Scam
You’re a man walking down the street minding your own business. Perhaps, you’re thinking about where to find a cheap beer? Maybe you fancy a noodle?
Who knows?
What we do know is that those “girls” over there with the Adam’s apples are not girls at all. When the tall one with broad shoulders approaches you shouting something vulgar in Thai while grabbing your dick, the first maneuvers of this scam have officially begun. Watch your wallet and keep walking. Try not to take it personally that these dudes dress as chicks in an attempt to publicly humiliate you and take your money.
Remember: It’s not gay if you thought he was a chick, but it is if he gets your wallet pretending to grab your ass while you’re looking for a noodle shop.
3. Double Lady Boy Moto Heist
This is a common grab-and-go operation.
Two men dressed as female prostitutes approach you from behind while riding tandem on a 100cc motorbike.
You stare because you’ve never seen anything so confusing in your life. But, hey, you’re in Asia now and this shit happens everyday.
The guy on the back grabs at an exposed strap while the one in front hits the gas.
Bye-bye important shit.
Never walk the streets with exposed high-value items. A strap is never a sufficient defense against this heist, as you (the victim) will be dragged along until either you or the strap breaks.
4. Under-your-moto-seat-stash Heist
Quite common when parking and exploring rural areas. Don’t leave anything you don’t mind donating to the locals, who learn how to break into motos as soon as they learn how to ride them—age 6.
5. Hope-you-don’t-notice House Cleaning Heist
This involves a relatively sophisticated understanding of the common traveler. If they take your laptop or passport, you’re going to make a big stink about it. But if they gain access to your money belt and only take notes in which there are duplicates, then there is a chance you will fail to notice until you have moved on. If you do notice, then you may start to wonder if you’ve miscounted your cash. Did I have 3 twenties or just 1? Did I get blacked out and spend almost all of my Dong? Again?! Shit, I should really stop drinking heavily and partying with those girls I met on the street.
6. The Case of the Disappearing iPhone5 from your Dinner Table Trick
How’s dinner? You and your friend are enjoying a tasty meal over a glass of wine when some local musicians/hustlers/sunglasses-at-night salesmen approach your table. During the brief negotiation, in which you very clearly and unambiguously communicate your complete disinterest in anything they have to offer, you notice them noticing your phone. They leave and you return to eating. Two minutes later you go for your phone. Look! They made it disappear… Lesson: Don’t leave important shit on the bar or table when eating out.
8. Drive-away-with-your-shit Taxi Heist
Always abide by two important rules when riding in taxis, especially if you’re a woman traveling alone.
1) Sit in the backseat, not the front. And sit directly behind the driver, thus taking the most dominant position in the car.
2) If you have luggage in the trunk, never get out of the car until the driver gets out of the car. A considerate driver understands this and will get out first to open your door. Let them.
9. Rigged ATM Scam
On The Nerd Scale from 1 to Star Trek, Deep Space 9, this scam is somewhere between SNG, Season 2 and Babylon 5.
You use your ATM card at a shady cash machine and the next thing you know you’re broke and some asshole from Bulgaria sitting in a room full of computers with proxy servers in China just withdrew cash simultaneously from ten ATMs in six countries on three continents.
10. Wi-Fi-got-your-username-and-password (WFGUP) Scam
The only thing more Deep Space 9 would be persecution by Chinese government hackers out to frame you with the DOD as a conspiracy theorist with secret evidence on Area 51.
This scam involves some nerd with a laptop monitoring wireless data sent between your device and the router, recording key strokes hoping to get your PayPal or CC#.
Less common than a two-legged hooker with AIDS—and a whole lot less permanent—so don’t worry (too much).
11. Double-count-currency-exchange Sleight of Hand
Maybe one day you wake up and say, “I’m tired of going to the ATM everyday. Today, I’m going to sell some (American) for local bills with all those cool colors.”
So you swap your old for new, consulting the calculator to see if everything adds up. Then you hand it back so he can count it—again. Okay, it’s time to go.
Later in the day you pull out your wad and are surprised to find a whole lot less than what you had earlier.
Lesson: When you’re done counting your new money, put it in your pocket and conclude the deal, lest they takes a little off the top at your expense.
12. Good Ol’ Fashioned Pickpocket
If you have something in your pocket that you like, keep it in your front pocket. Metros and markets tend to be crowded and whatever you have come to think of as “personal space” is a concept and a practice that just doesn’t fucking exist in Asia.
Pickpockets will use this to their advantage.
Lesson: If some gypsy kid bumps into you, punch him in the face and get your wallet back. Better yet, don’t carry one.
13. Leave-your-backpack-unattended-for-just-a-second Now Gone Forever Heist
Heavy luggage slowing you down on your way to the toilet? Maybe it’s an emergency and the spring rolls you ate for lunch are on their way out, whether you’re ready or not. Don’t leave your bag outside the toilet.
Never. Just don’t do it.
Then you’ll have stains in your shorts and they’ll be the only shorts you’ll be wearing for a while. Never, ever, leave your belongings unattended unless you’re mentally prepared to forget they were ever yours.
