Why I didn’t choose England

Deciding where to travel on a gap year can be tricky

THE LOCATION: A faded school auditorium from the ‘80s. A disco globe slowly rotates in the centre of the hall; cheap streamers and confetti line the walls; a badly dressed band sing their best soppy songs.

THE PLAYERS: Surprising everyone, all nations have turned up.

France was fashionably late (as usual), and turned everyone’s heads when she walked in on the arm of Russia, dolled up in a black leather jacket and stinking of cigarettes.

The African states huddle shyly together by the drinks table and nervously glance over at Argentina, who doesn’t even notice. He’s only got eyes for New Zealand.

Belgium and the United States are slow dancing together as the band play the Smiths. But they’ve been together for ages.

Azerbaijan is still searching for his name badge.

And Vietnam is already passed out in a corner, while Montenegro desperately tries to make excuses for her.

THE SCENE: The night is progressing like high school dances always do.

Awkwardly.

Suddenly the music heightens and a spotlight shines.

It is England, and she is heading towards me.

I know what this means.

It means she wants to dance.

But I’m sorry England, I don’t want to dance with you.

We’ve been friends for so long. I feel like I know you too well. We’re practically family.

It’s not that there is anything wrong with that. I know plenty of friends who have experienced you, and they’ve had a great time travelling up and down your land.

And I have nothing against that.

It’s just that I’m after something a little more foreign. A little more challenging. I know we speak the same language, and that is part of the problem.

South Korea is looking delicious tonight.

With her, I have no idea of what to expect! I’m sure she would blow my mind. I wouldn’t even know what to do for breakfast. And that is a very tantalizing thought to me.

With you, I know I’d be getting bangers and mash.

Which is nice, but I can do that myself.

So I’m sorry, England. One day I’ll dance with you.

Just not today.

It’s not you, it’s me.