The Bad Influence
Published in

The Bad Influence


A Public Apology

The next right thing

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I just woke up.

Literally and figuratively.

Of course, being a good metahuman, I immediately grabbed a coffee and got onto Facebook to start my day in a way that would, in all likelihood, ensure I’d not do any of the things I’ve been promising myself I’ll do to improve my life further.

Like meditate, before I get sucked into the matrix, and all that good stuff.

Within the first minute of scrolling I saw more shit on Will Smith.

This human being must be having the worst time of his life right about now.

But I’m no longer even going to mention his name after this short piece.

Or anyone else’s that isn’t in the actual fucking room with me.

Today my moral outrage rose, yet again (Good job, Facebook. You know me so well), before the second sip of the first morning coffee.

But it wasn’t in the way I would’ve expected from my less than recent self.

I’ve taken my videos and my posts about any celebrities down and would like to publicly apologise to all of you. Who the hell did I think I was to comment on your lives at all?

I’m sorry.

How disgraceful of me. It goes against everything I believe in personally.

*To be clear I defended Mr Smith because, despite our best efforts at gender equality, it mostly still takes a man to get another man to listen. Fact. I also saw a story behind the story… this goes back. But I won’t comment further. Ever again.

I was taught, early on in a program that got me sober, to not gossip.

A solid practice, for walking a more accountable path, that would lead me to peace and serenity.

It did in many ways.

But in some ways, it did not.

The latter was due to me not walking my principles and values in absolute full. Despite ongoing encouragement for us to believe differently, some things really are “black or white.”

While I never gossip about those I know personally, or even by association, I didn’t extend this simple but incredibly powerful practice of non-judgement to those in a more public space.

Stupid of me to think, because you’re out there in the public eye, I have any right to comment on your lives without hearing your experience first hand.

And not even then.

Because who has the right to judge anyone else’s experience of walking in the world?

There’s a resounding silence from a social group I called out on their blindingly hypocritical behaviour.

While I’ve sat for some months pondering whether I should apologise publicly to smooth some ruffled feathers…

I decided a few months ago, after serious consideration…

I will.

And I also will not.

I will not apologise for my abuse and the terrified reactions I displayed because of it.

No victim should ever be forced to do this.

Yet we’re forcing victims to do this every day, simply by ignoring their abuse and expecting them to retreat into silence again to avoid having to deal with it ourselves.

I will, however, apologise for judging you because you were afraid.

This is not your fault.

You should be afraid.

Our society is brutal and feral. You would’ve been turned on as well.

I’m sorry.

To the government officials and private professionals I’ve cussed at in person.

Fuck you.


I don’t care if you’re “sorry but have to listen to your superior.”

Or if you’re afraid of your professional reputation being ruined.

You pushed the buttons.

Or didn’t to be more precise.

And if you had, you would have saved my family.

I’m a patient woman, so don’t get too comfortable.

We aren’t done yet.

I am sorry my own willful ignorance left me unskilled in dealing with you and the shit storm you’re calling therapy and justice. And for my foul language, because I was triggered, that made you unable to hear me.

But you should have known this, and what you were witnessing, and been able to see past your own bias or aversion as a professional.


To the editors of all the incredible publications on Medium who helped me find my voice again.

I’m about to go back and edit or delete any content that isn’t in accordance with my personal values and principles.

A lot of what I wrote was written while I was being hurt and I was scared and reactive.

Thank you for your courage and publishing me despite my potty mouth, and overt outrage, and for providing me with a safe space to heal through honest sharing.

I hope my soon to be edits don’t send you hundreds of unnecessary emails on updates, because change is afoot.

I’m sorry if they do.

Also… you’re my people.

#thebadinfluence #counterarts #scuzzbucket #songstories #knowthyselfhealthyself #illumination #rainbowsalad #tellyourstory #ofpoetryandpeople #thehaven #theventingmachine

Mostly… to my children.

I’m so, so very sorry my babies.

Not only for making the mistakes I’ve made, and am trying to amend, because I’m only human…

but for how fucking long it took me to open my eyes and see things more clearly.

And for the hurt my own fear, and consequent ignorance, caused you accidentally.

I’ve owned my mistakes and I’ve changed what didn’t work.

I will never make those mistakes again.

Social media is decreasing levels of empathy and raising narcissistic traits to a point that is bordering on sociopathic now.

Please remember what is real. And what is not real.

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