Despair and Darkness
Just life?
Despair and homesickness have hit me hard this morning. Not all of you know that this move to Rochester was Keith’s idea. I never wanted to leave Clarendon and the life, and identity I built there. I hate the city. We live in the suburbs, but we live off a major road. All I hear all day is car and motorcycle traffic. I am accustomed to hearing the goats and chickens and cows. I’m terrified to ride my (very expensive) bike because of the traffic.
Keith wanted to leave Texas for many reasons and most of them were good. We need equity in our property (which we have now). But we also need jobs. I have been applying for receptionist jobs, but I am not getting any joy. I’m too old. My skills are too outdated. I feel I am going to be forced back into caregiving. I didn’t mind so much in Texas when I could start my day off with the animals. So much relaxation and meditation there. I could end my day with them. I had my dogs to love on me. I could run for miles without seeing a car. Here, all I see are cars.
I really thought Clarendon was the last move I would have to make. I had shit health care and Keith had shit wages. The healthcare here is better, yes, but the cost of living balances out the wages. And there are no animals. None I can call my own. I have a fucking squash plant.
