Dispatches from the War on Christmas
My first attempt at satire
I wrote this just before Christmas but wasn’t sure if it was any good until I eventually bounced it off a colleague (and professional comedy writer) who shot back a disbelieving “you say it’s your first attempt at satire?!” Well, better late than never, right?
As the war on Christmas rumbles on into its second decade, largely forgotten by the citizens of the West, the winter holiday has rallied and begun retaking lost calendar territory.
It’s been almost 90 days since Santa Claus opened a second front on Halloween, and festive music has been heard drifting across no man's land in early October.
Mr Claus rules the hermit kingdom of Lapland with an iron fist, having imprisoned Mrs Claus in the country’s Ritz-Carlton hotel.
After removing the only check on his power, the ageing despot has begun wearing a red, white and black uniform and has become more belligerent toward his neighbours.
And Mr Claus making good on his threats to withdraw present shipments could become a reality if tensions continue to rise.
Christmas’ territory is hotly contested, with some suggesting it should be returned to its former occupant Saturnalia.
However, any sign of a two-holiday solution seems further away than ever.
The pagan holiday was colonised by Christmas in the 4th century.
And the near-daily reports of atrocities by elves in the occupied territory have faded into the background hum of outwardly inclusive festivities.
The United Holidays congress has so far declined to engage in any serious diplomatic effort to relieve tensions, despite some impassioned speeches from representatives of minor holidays.
With no prospect of negotiations, the outlook for the new year is bleak.
Easter has begun increasing its military budget, with the spring holiday targeting 2% of GDP by January.
And Christmas’ closest neighbour Hanukkah is growing anxious about Santa’s increasingly antisemitic rhetoric.
Now buy me a coffee via Ko-Fi, or you will be added to Santa’s naughty list and summarily executed.
