SATIRE
I’m Right & My Path is Better Than Yours
An epistle from a moralizing moralist who knows absolute fact from fiction and right from wrong, humbly writes from a position of self-proclaimed authority and love.
Dearest Wayward Ones,
Please know here that my heart is sincere and filled with love above all else, but also trust me when I say that nobody is more honest than me and I am going to share some difficult truths that need sharing. To quote the great Ronald Reagan, “My heart and my best intentions tell me that’s true, but the facts and evidence tell me it is not.” I am proudly rigid, a conformist, and duly unimaginative. I like things simple, black and white the way Mrs. Wifman told me they are during any of a series of 3-minute chapter readings (with lots of pictures) in 6th grade. Like I always say, “Spell it out for me in the simplest terms and tell it like it is — just the simple facts! And for goodness sake, be sure to follow grammer rules and use standard American spelling!” All I know is that I know what I know.
All those people who, over millennia, have believed in and written the rules and dogmas those of us in the know cherish today, knew something more than all the doubting doubters blinded by modernity. Who are modern people, all you broad minders to call them fools? Like the Louvin Brothers so eloquently and correctly crooned, “That word broad-minded is spelled S-I-N.”
Sin is why I fight and pray for the return of the good old ways. Back in the day, before the scourge of liberal science and reason descended, before civil lib, when everyone knew their place. They understood there was no need to question aught because there is no nuance, no ambiguity, anomalies do not exist, and authority is to be obeyed; rules are there for a reason, to be followed. Things are the way they are because that is how things are meant to be! There is nothing new to discover or know that cannot be told by scripture and the rules. This is how I know beyond doubt what is true, real and natural and therefore what goes against nature.
There is no doubt or uncertainty in nature and all variance, interpretation and experience — other than my own — are utterly invalid. I am the reflection of The Knower Who Knows, a true and pure, projection of the Unknow’d Knower and I am here, but a humble follower and servant, to help bring you that lovingly strict light and shine it where it don‘t’ yet shine.
In a static universe governed by His steadily unyielding hand, uncertainty scares me! I have a deep need for security via control and predictability and I think the wonderful hubris of knowing I can completely and permanently know or define anything at all is a reassuring skill to have — it defines me, let it also define you!
Please understand, I’m not being arrogant or mean, I have humility and love as laid forth by my spiritual guider’s guidance. In fact, I am so humble as not to boast about my humility, even though I‘d be within my rights if I so chose. I’m simply being unyielding in the absolute facts of what I know, because I am right and I know it. Thus it follows that I must impart that rightness on all, for to do otherwise, to refrain from the promulgation and imposition of this truth, would be deeply unloving.
So, out of respect for facts, I refuse to look past my disdain at anything that upsets the facts ensconced in my memory as preordained by my firmly-planted, unyielding world view. I will not look at my feelings or delve into exactly why I am so obsessed about topics and people that have naught to do with me and have no effect whatsoever over my life. All I know, all I need know, is that I don’t like them because when I look at them, my breath becomes shallow from the deep obsessive disturbance I feel within — this is the Unknow’d Knower who whispers His still, quiet voice of truth that I may stay on the straight and narrow — out of respect, I don’t question it.
Indeed, it is a spiritual axiom that whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, it is wholly the fault of the other person or situation and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I can have no peace until that other person, situation or thing is either made to conform to my desires, or removed. Other people’s total acceptance of my truthiness and their agreement with me is the answer to all my problems today — as it is also yours.
I’m paraphrasing, I read that somewhere, I think it was a Doc Bronner’s Soap Bottle.
And so, please leave your feelings aside when I refer to those who will not see the abject correctness of my common sense approach, as unreceptive to the truth of my true knowledge and information. Don’t get your knickers in a twist over my abject and righteous contempt, I am but a humble person of faith, I love the wronger but hate the wrong, as is my right after all!
Nor am I being uncompromising, uncompassionate, or illiberally attached to my opinions. I totally lack the dogmatic judgmental streak possessed by all forbearing, humanistic, less-prejudiced sorts who hate freedom, want to erase women, slaughter innocents, change the Declaration of Constitution to reflect modern needs and values, and obliterate the universe. I love and respect all life — but for the truth of He, I am willing to sanction the death of the Unknower who will not know. Rest assured and find comfort in my unyielding vehemence in the absolute fact of my right to be right about perspectives and experiences of which I know little to nothing; this is the meaning of wisdom and love.
Like the words He thus spoke in the book, Nimia Superbia e Cathedra Iudicum:
Open your hearts and you can likewise know as I do and be among the knowers of knowing. I will keep you obsessively in my intentions until we meet in your subjugation, for surrender unto He is the only way.
Yours in He,
The Right Reverend O. C. Meigh
Click here for an Atlantic article with more information on how us Knowers and the promulgation of knowing are being discriminated against.
