In search of the elusive self assurance

I have always been terribly unsure of myself. I was a dark skinned little girl growing up with my grand parents in a small town off the coast. My family preferred that I had been born a boy. But when that did not happen they hoped that I would be this beautiful girl who could have a lot of marriage options and sail through.

Unfortunately I was neither.

Growing up I was a sucker for validation. I was a sponge for any kind of appreciation — and the only thing that I could do was study hard and be obedient. I hated my dark skin and unattractive face, and tried to ignore them as much as I could. I would indulge myself in intellectual pursuits and look down on others who cared about the fun stuff in life.

I missed out a lot on normal experiences as others while growing up — like movies, sleepovers, shopping, dining out etc. My friends were my books and active imagination, all bundled up in a blanket and a torch light keeping company till the late hours.

I got out, a blessing and a curse really.

Ignorance is the greatest bliss. You can never miss the things you cannot see. I look at my friends’ lives which followed the rule book to the letter. Grow up, get a decent education, marry, have kids, care for parents and in-laws. My best friend from school sounds so happy nowadays — her kid is the most intelligent in the class and stands first always.

Through twists and turns, I somehow ended up in the corporate world, which I only knew through watching TV and reading newspapers. It was an uphill battle, my family was not very happy with my choices, they were afraid I would end up alone and die ignored by everyone.

May be they are right. May be one day I will wither away and die in a room from a multitude of ailments, not discovered till my body disturbed others with the stench of the rot. May be one day I will get fed up with my loneliness and take a blade to my femoral. May be one day in a dark corner on an unnamed street in a one stop town, I will be mugged and sliced for something on my person I do not even care for much in the first place.

All of them are possibilities. And the voice in my head which was conditioned by my family cannot think of any hopeful scenarios.

But I cannot live in this demon dump and stay sane. I try to live in real world but escape it the only way I know how. I hide myself in my brain and in my imagination. I think of a world where I am admired and people love to be with me. I think of a dream where I have my own family and I pour all my love and nourishment on them. I daydream, I sing to myself and I write anonymous blogs.

But then real life is not what I want it to be. People wonder why I am this weirdo who over focuses on work. Why I talk too much. Why I laugh too loud. Why I don’t keep up to date with the latest fashion trends. Why I am not interested in gossip or finding my own boyfriend. This feeling probably is common to all humankind — the fear of not being understood.

And as a person who goes through all this crap in a loop everyday in my head, I empathize with those lonely people who stand in the corners, trying to blend in a group desperately, or flirt with danger. It is okay — I want to tell them — to stand apart, to not have a friend or fan following, to be alone. Why are we made? Worker bees in a hive, obeying our instincts to survive and reproduce, given our emotions as a gift and a cross. What is our purpose? Propagation of our species due to the genetic code written in us by somebody. There is no truth, no reason, no choice, no freedom, no end. I want to tell them all of this, and listen to them honestly.

But I digress.

In corporate world, the most important lesson I learnt is that I need to fake it till I make it. I need to appear confident, unshaken and balanced so that my team mates and clients get assured. I need to be the one in the room reading people’s minds and playing games so that I come out on the top. It might sound abhorrent, but people who know how to control other people, will always come out on the top.

I also understood that people find assurance in different ways — some by power dressing, some by their communication, some by showing their wealth, some by networking and some by their sheer power of position. It takes a lot of mental strength on one’s part to cut through all these veneers and discuss the true person at the core. I am now presented with an interesting problem — what is my veneer? All through my life, I have been rather diffident, humble and used utter honesty as my armor. My chinks were inability to take criticism from others, competing with everyone in the room and sacrificing myself for others. Anyone who knows these chinks can exploit me. My armor will not keep me safe from these people.

So I keep figuring things out — I talk very less, listen and look more, try to curb my self orientation, be a happy and confident teammate, not bring my emotions into play while working, and create a perception for myself in the team. I always struggle with power-dressing, communication and networking. I also do not talk while others do, and spend a lot of time thinking how others perceive me and feeling guilty. I am slowly and steadily building up myself, metal atom by atom.

I wish for the purity of science sometimes. The starkness of right and wrong. The absolutism of truth. The way no one can come between you and your work. No dramas, no mind games, and pure bliss. I will seek academics and retire into that life forever. That’s my sunset.