Keanu Reeves Destroyed My Marriage

The star of the Matrix has set a bad example

Reuben Salsa
Jan 21 · 2 min read
Image for post
Image for post

“Why can’t you be more like Keanu?” dogged my missus as I failed for the hundredth time to live up to the mammoth task of becoming more Keanu.

It’s not my fault, I would wail (apparently like a small child wearing a dress). I was born this way, and I can’t change.

That’s not 100% true. I’ve tried changing. I hired a Russian to kill our beloved pet dog in order for me to go on a rampaging marathon of death and destruction. I’ve colored every pill in the house a deep shade of red in order to see the true world. I’ve pretended I could time travel by being my future self whenever the wife asked if I’ve put the garbage out and inevitably I hadn’t. I’ve nearly drowned learning to surf and have warned her, that ‘relationships based on tense experiences never work’.

Still, I’m nowhere near the level of Keanu she desires.

Well, fuck you wife. As Keanu once said “I WANT ROOM SERVICE! I WANT THE CLUB SANDWICH, I WANT THE COLD MEXICAN BEER, I WANT A $10,000-A-NIGHT HOOKER!” Can you provide any of that?

This fucker has come between our marriage with all the grace of a speeding bus. He’s making us crash on purpose. I’m not even sure if we’re awake or dreaming anymore. The tight leather pants are causing me to chaff and walk around like a stiff in desperate need of a can-opener. And don’t even get me started on the scars I’ve had to self-inflict just because chicks dig ‘em.

I can’t take it anymore.

No man can live up to the Keanu Reeves model of Manhood.

It should count in my favor that godlike Reeves has made a ton of terrible movies. Can anyone say they loved watching Feeling Minnesota? Has anyone actually watched that bollocks? No? Is that one not bad enough for you? What about Youngblood? Even Cowgirls Get the Blues? Chain Reaction? Do you see? Even the great Keanu has off-days.

Sure, my off days of not looking like Keanu has lasted a lifetime, but there’s no need to persecute me anymore.

I quit.

And FUCK YOU KEANU REEVES.

I invoke the Keanu Reeves clause and call upon all known Keanu Reeves in the Medium Matrix… Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves, and Keanu Reeves.

For you JM Miana

The Bad Influence

CREATIVITY INCITES CHANGE

Sign up for BEHAVING BADLY

By The Bad Influence

Monthly round-up of all influences BAD Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Reuben Salsa

Written by

SPACE FOR HIRE.

The Bad Influence

We’re a Bad Influence because we INCITE change through inclusion, thought and creativity. We imagine a world where people can think critically, express themselves, and thumb their nose at the status quo, together.

Reuben Salsa

Written by

SPACE FOR HIRE.

The Bad Influence

We’re a Bad Influence because we INCITE change through inclusion, thought and creativity. We imagine a world where people can think critically, express themselves, and thumb their nose at the status quo, together.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store