Keanu Reeves Destroyed My Marriage
“Why can’t you be more like Keanu?” dogged my missus as I failed for the hundredth time to live up to the mammoth task of becoming more Keanu.
It’s not my fault, I would wail (apparently like a small child wearing a dress). I was born this way, and I can’t change.
That’s not 100% true. I’ve tried changing. I hired a Russian to kill our beloved pet dog in order for me to go on a rampaging marathon of death and destruction. I’ve colored every pill in the house a deep shade of red in order to see the true world. I’ve pretended I could time travel by being my future self whenever the wife asked if I’ve put the garbage out and inevitably I hadn’t. I’ve nearly drowned learning to surf and have warned her, that ‘relationships based on tense experiences never work’.
Still, I’m nowhere near the level of Keanu she desires.
Well, fuck you wife. As Keanu once said “I WANT ROOM SERVICE! I WANT THE CLUB SANDWICH, I WANT THE COLD MEXICAN BEER, I WANT A $10,000-A-NIGHT HOOKER!” Can you provide any of that?
This fucker has come between our marriage with all the grace of a speeding bus. He’s making us crash on purpose. I’m not even sure if we’re awake or dreaming anymore. The tight leather pants are causing me to chaff and walk around like a stiff in desperate need of a can-opener. And don’t even get me started on the scars I’ve had to self-inflict just because chicks dig ‘em.
I can’t take it anymore.
No man can live up to the Keanu Reeves model of Manhood.
It should count in my favor that godlike Reeves has made a ton of terrible movies. Can anyone say they loved watching Feeling Minnesota? Has anyone actually watched that bollocks? No? Is that one not bad enough for you? What about Youngblood? Even Cowgirls Get the Blues? Chain Reaction? Do you see? Even the great Keanu has off-days.
Sure, my off days of not looking like Keanu has lasted a lifetime, but there’s no need to persecute me anymore.
And FUCK YOU KEANU REEVES.