The Bad Influence
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The Bad Influence

This is an email from BEHAVING BADLY, a newsletter by The Bad Influence.

Maybe, We Have All Gone Mental Especially With Covid Brain

Before Covid, I was dealing with a lot of stress. I was facing a hard decision, to have a baby or not have one of my own but someone else’s. I thought the heart surgery in 2012 would be the most difficult thing that I would ever face, but I was wrong. And I wanted a baby, but not like this, not living at home with my parents and working in a state job, a dead-end job, one that I just got a promotion at. If I had a baby, what would happen to that job because the promotion would be affected, and what kind of life could I give this child? I finally made the decision, and that was not to have a child, not to have any child of my own flesh and blood. And in March 2020, I went in for surgery, thinking at the time that I was going to lose my left ovary, which funny enough, I would not lose until May 2022 along with my fallopian tubes. Then, Covid happened, and it’s like that expression, pouring gasoline on the fire.

It’s too much stress. Too much damn stress, and I can’t feel stress. I know it’s there, but I still can’t feel it. But it just dug in, and being a frontline worker in a Twilight Zone scenario did not help. And there’s been breaks in the past, I know that, and they came from trauma. I’m still accepting being a survivor, and it’s not easy. None of this is easy, and I worry about reaching that point of no return. But I’ve pulled myself back, kept myself steady, and push myself forward. I don’t know what I’m moving towards. I’ve given up on being happy. I’ll take contentment, if I could find it, and I’ll try to feel past the stress, if I can. But I make no promises.

I know that I’m not the only one suffering. Before Covid, we were all dealing with our own issues, our trauma, and then Covid happened. And I think a lot of us just snapped. The breaks in reality that we see, that we hear about remind me of my own, when I lost it all those years ago because of trauma. The human mind could only take so much, and we have limits on surviving it. But this is too much. Maybe, that’s why some of us cling to Trump because he gives them hope, despite distorting reality or the reality that others perceive, and why there is such a clash right now. And so many people don’t know what the real reality is. Too many people have lied to us. Too many people have played games. Too many have sacrificed other people’s lives, and for what? Don’t they realize how many of us are suffering, trying to cope with even the concept of Covid, and let’s not get started on its origins because there’s a divide even there. There’s a divide in everything, and some of it needed to come to light. And some of it is a frightening aspect of a new society forming, one where we don’t care about people. We just want to survive, and if that’s the case, if that remains the case, where we allow all this chaos and violence to reign, then maybe we have all gone mental especially with Covid brain.

I just watched the movie, Three Christs (2017), and no, it’s not one of those Religious movies. It’s more psychological, more focus on Humanity. Lost souls caught in a web of cold structure, where others think what’s best for them, and nobody listens to them, nobody really listens to them and the turmoil that is going on inside. Sound familiar? It reminds me of the world today. It reminds me of us, of those struggling, and things have not gotten easier. But maybe what could ease the burden, at least a little, is for someone to just listen. Just listen, but it seems to be a hard ask, doesn’t it?

I was talking to a friend on Twitter, and yes, he’s real. He’s another writer, and I like talking with him. But recently while talking with him, I realized that I had no self-confidence like I used to, and it was this horrible feeling of just feeling like… An impostor, I guess, and where did that self-confidence go? Margaret’s Reflections says, Your self-confidence got tied in with your results; plaguing you with self-doubt.

I can hear my mother sighing and muttering under her breath as she sits on the couch with her iPad. She’s on Facebook again, and she’s had issues with other people on that website, some nasty individuals, who leave her bitter comments. And she wants to respond, asking me to help her type a response, but I told her that she’s only inciting them further. She’s better off just unplugging from Facebook, but she never listens to me. People are just too angry these days, and if you even sneeze the wrong way, they’ll let you know that. And Pete Williams asks a good question about people that just want to stay angry and lash out at others, How is it working out for you?

I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being pissed off. I’m just going in a circle round and round, and I’ve had enough. It’s a vicious cycle, and it needs to end. Something needs to change. Something needs to change Now. It’s too much. Too much Stress. Too much Bullshit. Too much Apathy, and like James Knight says, No fucking more! Enough is enough!

I don’t see a good future for any of us, if we continue losing our minds, spiraling out of control and arguing about whose reality we are really living in.

I know that I’m not the only one that feels this way. You do too.



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Melissa R. Mendelson

Melissa R. Mendelson

Horror, Science-Fiction and Dystopian Short Story Author and Poet.