Minimally Useful’s 10 Steps to a Shitty Resume
Let’s Talk Resumes
As part of our ongoing “How to do the best business gooder” theme, we have decided to put together a list of “don’ts” and “definitely don’ts” when it comes to throwing together a resume. You may be wondering, “why the hell would I want a list of things not to do when trying to grab that soul-sucking thing that will consume a majority of my waking hours?” Good question. The answer is simple. This is more fun.
Anyway, we’ve made it a listicle because our psychological research department has informed us that hiring managers, human resource departments, and bitches love listicles. It also sounds vaguely like testicles and that somehow seems fitting. Also, these scenarios are totally hypothetical we have never in fact seen these on a resume. Coincidentally, if you do any of this shit. Stop it.
1) Hate At First Sight
Don’t
Use your headshot as the background for the resume
Definitely Don’t
Use your mugshot as the background for your resume
But Why?
Unless your applying for a role in that sweet toilet paper commercial (like you could ever beat out some animated bears), nobody wants to see your face. Besides, when your trying to get someone to judge you on your merits, do you really want to give them any more reasons to discriminate against you? I mean they already have your name and are trying to guess your race, gender and ethnicity just from that alone.
2) Size Matters
Don’t
Make your resume more than 2 or 3 pages. 1 page is ideal but can be tough.
Definitely Don’t
Pretend you’re writing the next American novel and clock that bad boy in at 20 pages. Nobody cares what you were doing in 2006, let alone, 1993.
But Why?
Let’s play a little game of role reversal here. You hate your life. You’re in charge of hiring some poor asshole to help with some role with some dude you in your company that you hate. You’ve got this stack of 40 resumes to review, you need to provide 5 recommendations to bring in for an interview, and to top it off, you’ve got 5 minutes until it’s time to hit up happy hour at the local wing joint. Let’s face it. No way your reading whatever garbage is in this 3+ page resume, so you throw it in the trash, glance at the other short ones for some keywords and throw them in the “to interview” stack. Cheers! Don’t forget the wet wipes you greasy bastard and let us know when and where.
3) #Networking
Don’t
Think that dropping the name of the company you worked at will be enough.
Definitely Don’t
Drop the name of a company you where you didn’t work.
But Why?
Company recognition only goes so far but ultimately big companies with big names are usually, well, big. Simply working for <big company name> isn’t enough to warrant attention since you could have just been second assistant to the janitor’s intern at <big company name>. Also, sometimes HR get’s bored, plays resume roulette, and makes a few phone calls into your past. #NoBuenoCompadre
4) It’s… Uh… Abstract
Don’t
Create a super stylized work of art that’s hard to read.
Definitely Don’t
Submit a resume, doused in glitter, via the mail.
But Why?
Legibility is a key factor to reading. Keep that in mind. Now we’re strong supporters of a good bedazzling. But there is a time and a place. Specifically on your own time and not in a place that falls all over my crotch when I open a letter that I’m half expecting to be a bomb because who the hell sends mail? Last thing anyone wants to do is go home and try to explain to their significant other that they were screening resumes and definitely not at an adult themed club / all you can eat hot dog buffet. Scout’s honor.
5) The Tale of the Astronaut Cowboy Rocket Surgeon
Don’t
Embellish beyond a reasonable doubt
Definitely Don’t
Make up an entire backstory for the character you wish you would have been.
But Why?
Are we saying that you didn’t help program the self-driving capabilities of a Tesla? Well, it says that you worked there for a few months, were in the automation team, and seem to have programming experience based on a quick chat you had with that weird chick down the hall. Do we believe you helped program the space shuttle? Probably not seeing as you were in middle school the last time one launched. Also, what’s this note about being Tom Cruise’s fluffer in Eyes Wide Shut? We’ll be in touch.
6) Birking Covfefe On SRS CARP
Don’t
Make up acronyms to sound impressive
Definitely Don’t
Make up words to sound impressive
But Why?
Sure it sounds great to say you were the lead OTF on the VIB project but nobody gives a shit if they have no idea what you’re talking about. It may make you sound more volarious and estenatious but trust us. Leave the making shit up for after you get the job.
7)
Don’t
Skip the spelling and formatting check
Definitely Don’t
Skip the profanity check
But Why?
Let’s just say it’s a tad embarrassing to realize you typed into the wrong window at some point and just sent your last porn search to your potential employer. Well let’s be honest, they’re probably not going to hire you unless you searched for something kinky that they’re totally into. In that case, you do you. Or more likely your boss…
8) Leveraging the Web 3.0 Cloud Disruptor
Don’t
Pile on the buzzwords.
Definitely Don’t
Listen to this if you’re going to for a senior management position
But Why?
A little known fact is that middle managers can smell fear and it smells like bullshit. When you spend your life as the lackey of the top dogs, you tend to get dumped on. You also spend a lot of time with people full of themselves that have no idea what they’re talking about. To get around this, you fill the void with nonsensical words like “synergize” and “deep dive” and “lumbar support”. However, when applying for a senior management position you should only use these words.
9) A Spy Among Us
Don’t
Leave your resume up on your computer
Definitely Don’t
Leave your resume up on your computer in an area friends and coworkers can see
But Why?
First, this opens up the obvious questions of, “oh, are you looking for a job?” and “are you not happy here?” and “did you take my coffee mug again you asshole?” Second, if you know people like us, they’re probably going to mess with your resume when you sneak out to take a dump or get your steps in. You might get some professional experience added while you’re out, like “president of Ass Industries — Head Ass from 198ass-present”. You know, whatever the kids in offices are doing these days. But yeah, they will fill it full of all the crap listed above shortly before changing the wallpaper on your computer to something that sits right on the line of office appropriate.
10) A Little TOO Much
Don’t
Write a cover letter
Definitely Don’t
Include a copy of the anarchists cookbook
But Why?
Nothing seems more desperate than sitting down, spending a load of time reading, re-reading, and churning through words until you feel like your head is going to explode only to realize that you should have googled if phreaking works on VOIP phones first. Also, doesn’t writing a letter seem a little desperate? It’s 50/50 that they’ll read it anyway. We say save the letters for your prison pen pals.
