Muffled Screams and Broken Dreams: The Great Corporate Time-Heist — Part 4: Evasion
Welcome to the fourth article of our multi-part series affectionately titled Muffled Screams and Broken Dreams: The Great Corporate Time-Heist. You can find the other articles here:
1. Intro: The Aworkening
2. Part 2: Reconnoitering and Shit
3. Part 3: Survival — MVP+1
4. Part 4: Evasion — Counter-Strategy Strategy <- You are here
5. Part 5: Resistance — Spite of a Warrior
6. Part 6: Escape — Fleeing the Scene
We also have a twitter where we tweet our most profound ideas, discoveries, and failures. We keep it over here @MinimallyUseful. She’s not much but we haven’t abandoned it yet, unlike our hopes and dreams.
Part 4: Evasion — Counter-Strategy Strategy
What are we doing? Listlessly wandering the halls of old hotels that used to be insane asylums, rattling chains, phasing through walls. Eating scones (unrelated). Writing the shit out of some articles. Trying to find what makes our hearts sing. This is article 4 of our series. For those of you with the courage and strength of will to do more by doing less, we’ve got a professional certification available to certify that you’re wicked good at strategy and shit.
Preface
In Part 3 — Survival, we had a thrilling chat about the whimsical world of surviving in the corporate hellscape by only giving juuuuuuuust enough to warrant keeping you around and in good favor. Now, we move to how we handle keeping at a steady MVP+1 level of work and avoid the pitfalls of doing more.
Evasion
Morality is not properly the doctrine of how we may make ourselves happy, but how we may make ourselves worthy of happiness.
Scrappy-Doo — Scrappy and Yabba-Doo (that’s not a mis-type, Yabba is Scooby’s brother. But… if that’s true. And Scrappy is Scooby’s nephew. But Yabba doesn’t claim Scrappy as a son. Who is Scrappy’s dad? Fuck. We need a minute.)
Strategy Core Concept: Counter-Strategy Strategy
This Strategy Core Concept basically boils down to taking the descent into madness and looking at the strategy behind the MBM (Malevolent Business Mindset) and developing a counter strategy. In order to evade the bullet, it helps to know where your enemy is firing. This portion will not be for those of you with weak constitutions — we will be delving into a madness mindset so narcissistic, greedy, and counter-humanistic that your very soul will scream. Fear not. We are your guides and your stalwart protectors. Think of us as really smart labradors — we love you enthusiastically and will protect you at all costs. We’ll even stick around if the vacuum shows up. We may not be super bright, but we mean well. Anyway. Throw on your mental hiking gear, because we’re going on an adventure.
Employee Productivity is at an all-time high thanks to working revolutions such as being able to have two monitors, internal company chat, and the cotton gin.
That chart is real. We didn’t conjure that one up in our awesome lab. That one is based on real data from the United States Department of Labor Statistics. The US Department of Dark Arts chart was more entertaining but somehow seemed less relevant to our point. If you catch what that chart is throwing down, you’ll notice that we as a people, are producing double what we would have in 1973. Pairing that with stagnant wages makes an unpalatable “you’re getting fleeced out of your time” cocktail.
Let’s revisit our inquisitive mindset from Part 2 — Reconnoitering and Shit of this series and switch that puppy to overdrive. Depending on the scale of your company, the elements that push you to do more vary from accidental to intentional — but it’s best to assume intentional, so you’re not underestimating the MBM. Take a look at elements all around the workplace and ask yourself “why does this exist the way it does, and how might it encourage me to work harder?” Breaking the illusion will allow you to step out of an immediate ‘must-do-more’ gut reaction and take some time to analyze the overall benefit to you and what you’ll have to give up to your employer receive the benefit. For the sake of diligence, we’ll review a few examples below:
- Ping Pong Table
Management must think this is some sort of millennial aphrodisiac. They just throw it in the corner and expect that when you walk by your mind does some olympian-level logic gymnastics like: “Oh wow. I’m at work and that’s a recreational thing. Work kinda sucks, but they are providing us with recreational things — which must mean that they care about our well being. I’m not going to use it, but it’s refreshing to know that work cares about my ability to engage in recreation at work. Maybe I’ll work an extra hour or so because they care so much about me.” Whether you play on it or not, the pong table is there to give you a little pick-me-up that enhances your confidence that your employer truly cares about you — like an abusive boyfriend buying you flowers. - Posters
If you really want to get someone hyped up to file paperwork for eight hours, stick a panorama picture of some people doing something harrowing like climbing a mountain or traversing a desert. Make the obstacle seem insurmountable (it’s gotta be big in the picture so it catches people’s eye and makes them think about the bigger picture). “Look at those people. They’re taking something on that requires a lot of effort and seems really hard, and they’re on a poster which tells me that’s something to strive for.” Now that you’ve got them looking and pondering — give them a takeaway. Here’s an example we made:
It’s got a catchy tagline (kinda), someone staring down the fear of death, a picture that would at least get your attention once to check it out — all the qualifying shit you need to get everyone amped to do more, and all it cost was $15 plus shipping and handling.
- Lunch Room Music
This has been a recent research development here at MUI. We’ve come across an interesting phenomenon in the wild. We’ve noticed an increasing trend of workplaces assuming the mindset of their employees based on the day, and playing music in the lunchroom to enhance good feelings and downplay the bad. Each song is designed to make you feel a certain way, playing on specific emotions to make you more productive. Here’s an example of what we’ve noticed:
- Monday / Tuesday — These songs are meant to placate your despair of a full work week ahead, but not so much that it seems out of place. There’s nuance here. The workplace accepts that you think the early part of the week sucks and isn’t trying to take you out of that moment (because despair can act as a good motivator sometimes). It has to be slower songs that deal with acceptance of despair / disillusionment and resolution to move through it. Example song: Anything by Joni Mitchell.
- Wednesday — Hump Day. These songs begin to blend hope into the mix. You’re only a few working days away from the weekend. These songs still need to contain an element of not liking where they are now, but now contain a burning hope for tomorrow or what’s beyond the horizon. The perfect example of these songs are covers of hopeful Disney songs. For the people who still aren’t tracking: Watch a popular Disney Movie (NOT Song of the South). There’ll be a point early-on in the movie where a character is dissatisfied with their current life and wishes for something more. Those songs are on our Wednesday list. Pocahontas, Moana, Frozen, Hercules, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Her Thicc Boys, Tangled, Princess and the Frog, Terminator 2, Mulan, etc…What the fuck were we talking about? Oh. Right. So, those “I want something different” songs will typically be blastin’ in the lunchroom as you slam a turkey sandwich with light mayo on multigrain bread (maybe you even put two slices of cheese on to offset the dryness of the turkey) and contemplate what would happen if you just walked out, sold everything, and started a pomegranate farm.
- Thursday / Friday — The BPM is picking up significantly in this latter part of the week. These songs are designed to play off you being hopped up on joy that the weekend is now in sight. You’re going to hear a lot of work friendly 80’s glam rock and/or songs celebrating partying or relaxation in this phase of the playlist. These songs will make you feel like you want to get in just a bit more solid work before you mentally check out for the weekend. Anything work-friendly by Bon Jovi, Van Halen, or Jimmy Buffett are on the table.
- Idols / Trinkets
Some people call it swag. In reality, it’s basically trash that is designed to secure and broadcast your loyalty. Tiny prizes that will provide motivation. Almost like a second form of income, some employers will give you a keychain here, a pen there and sometimes if you’re lucky a t shirt. There’s two lines of thought at play here.
- You feel like you’ve been given something of value, but it’s essentially just free advertising for your company. A shirt, a water bottle, a pen — they all bear the logo that’s there to re-enforce who owns your time.
- Those with the MBM (Malevolent Business Mindset) want you to display all of these trinkets at your desk like good little boys and girls. Other employees will respond by wanting to do more for trinkets so that they can display them. This creates a feedback loop, and sometimes even competitions over who gets the most branded trash.
- Casual Days
What’s one day of wearing jeans and that sweet hawaiian shirt you got on your last vacation worth to you? Casual Fridays are usually in place to create a more laid-back atmosphere. What does the MB (Malevolent Business) lose by allowing you to wear (more) comfortable clothes to work? Nothing. But it’s something they “give” to you so that you’re under the impression that they care about you (beyond profiting off of your labor) — further cultivating the MBM (Malevolent Business Mindset). Sometimes, the MB will give an additional casual day as a prize in a productivity competition. How generous and benevolent of them to allow you to wear jeans and sneakers one additional day this month. “But hey MUI, my work lets me wear whatever I want to the office everyday,” we hear some of you mentally blasting at us right now. Ok, congrats on getting to wear your shredded jean shorts and hentai t-shirt to the office while rocking your croc flops. The point still stands. Is wearing what you want to wear in the office awesome. Sure. Why would they allow this? Simple. They’ve ceded a shred of control over you in the name of comfort. What do they gain for this slight loss of dictatorial powers over a giant chunk of your waking hours? The hope that since you’re comfortable in your desk chair, you’ll spend a little more time in it firing off emails, making phone calls, and sitting through meetings.
- Catering/Free Cafeteria
- Another up and coming workplace feature is catered meals everyday or the installation of a cafeteria and/or bar. The goal here is less subtle. They want you to live at the office. Come grab a “free” breakfast at 7am. Don’t go out for lunch. Eat it at the office while you discuss office stuff with your colleagues who also feel the need to eat. Why go home at 5 when you can hang out here until 6pm and not have to worry about what you’re going to make yourself for dinner? Sure it’s better than not getting fed at work, but it’s not just out of the goodness of your employer’s hearts. It’s another ploy to get people to stay at work longer and to give up even more of their own time to dedicate in the name of “Business Corp Multinational.”
- That covers the food, but what about the booze? This may or may not be something many of you have seen, but it is definitely a growing trend. The ol’ water cooler being replaced by a couple taps or a beer fridge. Surely, getting drunk at work is definitely not something any business wants to encourage right? Probably. We all know a Karen or Steve that took a sip or twelve too many at the office Christmas party and made the next day at work more awkward than that time you scurried out of a meeting after hitting up the sketchy Indian Buffet on the other side of town. So what’s the catch here? Same as the free food. Hang out longer. Everyone is familiar with the concept of hitting up happy hour or grabbing a cold one with the fellas/gals. But what if instead of your friends, they were your coworkers? Also, what if instead of the local gastro craft brewery/winery/distillery/trampoline park that totally sells beer, it was your office. Now your office day seamlessly transitions into your free time and by free time, we totally mean spending more time talking about work. Another reason may be something known as the Balmer Peak: see the chart below. This was first researched by Randall Munroe of XKCD and we’re not ones to argue with a dude that has a degree in physics and worked for NASA.
Ultimately, the concepts in this Evasion Article boil down to the following evaluation approach: the business does, has, builds, implements or [verbs] something. Evaluate that something for its intended effects on you and your fellow coworkers. Ask yourself what the cost is and what the intended result is. If it feels like it’s intended to further milk some productivity out of you with little to no loss on the businesses-side — you’re probably getting hosed.
Life in the Wild
Here at Minimally Useful Industries, new concepts are rarely understood without an accompanying picture book or shitty animal analogy. So, due to us being functionally illiterate and a distinct lack of artistic ability, here’s a shitty animal analogy for Counter-Strategy Strategy:
The Common Shitlord House Cat
Cats are biologically designed to circumvent and overcome nearly every barrier that you put in place to prevent them from behaving like a complete asshole. They are the ones training you and breaking you — not the other way around. If their behavior at any point aligns with the desires of their owner’s, it’s only because they have ordained it. These fuckers will go where you don’t want them to go and do what you don’t want them to do. They immediately see through your tactics to keep them off the kitchen counters with a spray bottle (by going and laying on your bed once you’ve soaked them), they single-mindedly pursue what you don’t want them to have. AND they do it all while still managing to sleep 20 hours a day. In a way, you need to be like these shitlords. You need to find the cracks in the strategy, see past the traps set in front of you, develop a resilient mindset, and be consistently conquering with an ever evolving counter-strategy to those who would wish to take advantage of you. One clarifier here. Do not be completely like a cat. Don’t walk around flashing everyone your butthole.
Caveats and Clarifications:
Be careful when you’re developing your takeaways on this topic. We’re not advocating for a completely sterile and transparent environment — by all means, we would encourage employers to jazz the place up a bit (anything in this style would be pretty boss). We’re merely equipping you to notice when the workplace has been weaponized to take advantage of your subconscious human inclinations. There are mountains of materials informing those who wish to siphon your time away on how to give a little to get a lot of productivity in return — this is where the danger lies. Any element in itself may seem like the MB (Malevolent Business) is really taking one on the chin, but there’s a good chance that’s just a single move of the productivity min-max chess game: sometimes you have to sacrifice a few pawns to take the king (THE KING IS A METAPHOR FOR YOUR TIME). Very few companies will give you something for nothing, and there will always be spoken or unspoken expectations that come with every perk. It’s up to you to see past that Keurig K1500 they just put in the break room and see that the real intention is to get everyone amped on caffeine to push productivity further.
In Closing
We’re in the thick of it now. We’ve got a feel for the environment, mentally catalogued the traps that those with the MBM (Malevolent Business Mindset) will set to get you to do more, developed a strategy for passing under the RADAR by doing the minimum amount of acceptable work(+1), and further refined our resilient mindset. Now we need to #SeriousFace #RealTalk for a minute. Ultimately, there are two phases to this dance. Phase 1, dear reader, is to provide you with the vision that allows you to see beyond the illusion and see the walls of your jail cell. As we near the end of this article, we near the end of Phase 1. Unfortunately, just having the vision merely lets you see the walls of your prison. The harder choice comes when deciding to continue to walk this path to Phase 2. To quote Bastian in the Neverending Story by Michael Ende:
What I’ve started I must finish. I’ve gone too far to turn back. Regardless of what may happen, I have to go forward.
The MBM is strong with deep roots, the MBM is many, and the MBM is tireless (see the productivity graph above). The one thing we have above the MBM is anonymity. If you’ve followed the guide up to this point — those with the MBM don’t know who you are. Those with the MBM utilize tactics that are tailored for the masses, so being anonymous and aware of the traps that those with the MBM are capable of setting are your two greatest assets. Using these concepts, we will push through this Bermuda Triangle of Bullshit and hit the calmer seas of liberation on the other side. Whether it be a liberation of your mind, a liberation of your time (both from the MBM and from having to read this shitty article series), or a choose-your-own combo meal; some form of liberation will come with the end of this series if you continue to implement the advice we’re providing.
This concludes the Evasion Article in our series (Muffled screams and broken dreams: The great corporate time-heist) towards professional certification. If you’re interested in getting the cert, head on over to minimallyuseful.com. In the next article, we’re going to explore the nature of Resistance in the corporate environment.
Thanks for sticking with us.
