Advice from a Rebel Leader
On Suffering & The Dark Side
Yoda was wrong-ish.
The other day, my husband quoted brave Yoda:
“Pain leads to suffering and suffering leads to the dark side.”
How many of us have felt like grief is this “dark” side of us we should avoid at all costs? Now listen… I’m not siding with Darth anybody here. But our shadow sides are powerful, insightful, & humbling places for every one of us, just waiting for brave excavators to crack the surface.
The value of being a rebel means you can embrace your shadow side, look into the darkened corners, and explore uncharted territories of your personhood. Yoda, though lovely in his own way, missed the mark.
Suffering may well lead us to living in our anger. But it can also open our eyes to the value of asking questions of our anger and eventually, finding healing.
So often, especially in the context of grief, when we experience such depths of suffering, we simply want out of it as quickly as possible. But this is how we came up with platitudes in the first place. In our rush to heal, we lean into spiritual bypassing. It allows us to avoid the complicated & actionable work of getting to know ourselves. We act from a shallow faith, relying on the platitudes and small promises to move us beyond depth in our emotions and complicated humanity.
But if we can get to know who we are, we will see suffering as a bridge instead of a one-way road to some sort of earthly hell.
When we see anger coming, we have a choice to ask questions. We have the choice to feel the anger, and then become curious. Anger is a secondary emotion. It’s the mask; the protective layer over our vulnerable emotions that we aren’t ready to feel.
That’s why suffering and anger go hand in hand. Suffering is hard enough on it’s own; leaning into anger as a justifier against the suffering is like armor.
Get familiar with your shadow side by asking non-judgmental questions. Get curious! Investigate how you feel in your suffering and learn to lead yourself into kindness. Do Yoda (and me) proud. With humility, you can face the shadows and emerge knowing anger is a tool, not a destination. This is how we disarm the threat of pain. By sitting with our big emotions, we understand them differently and grow in compassion. And from there, find healing.
Mandy Capehart is a certified grief and life coach, and creator of The Restorative Grief Project. The Restorative Grief Project is an online community focusing on one another’s stories and new methodologies for grief, creating a safe environment for our souls to heal and our spirits to be revived. To join for free, visit www.MandyCapehart.com/grief or follow along with weekly columns on Ask A Grief Coach!
