The Bad Influence
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The Bad Influence


Open Letter to God

Or rather, to all 1,769 plus/minus Gods out there.

Photo by Michael Kroul on Unsplash

Dear God,
I’m a Man, and I really love Women.
I want to have sex with them all the time.
I figure, you must have made me that way.
Am I right?

God Responds:

Dear human,
You apparently haven’t read my 1200-page instruction pamphlet. Well, regarding sexual intercourse, I say, “Take a good long look at that person lying next to you. That’s all you’re ever going to get. All the sex in the world, with that ONE person. Hmm hmmm. See that tiny/big thing between their legs? That’s all you’re ever going to get.”

But God, since I only get to have sex with ONE person, I had to learn about sex and do some exploring, some reconnoitering…

And look here and see what (You, presumably) let them do to me:

GOD! . . . By New York Society for the Suppression of Vice — Public-domain image due to age, extracted from Ultimately sourced from, Public Domain,

I mean, isn’t porn the best way to prepare myself? It must be, if you’ve allowed this thing called “the internet” to come into existence. Because my cyber friends say that porn is the powerhouse for the internet. Well, assuming that you approve of what your Children on Earth are using the World Wide Web to explore. (Explore/exploit, beagles/bagels.)

God Responds:

Dear human,

Don’t be a smartass. According to the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice, I don’t approve of certain ‘explorations’ you are carrying out. I don’t actually remember issuing any decrees on this trivial matter, but these New Yorkers seem to revere Me, so I’m inclined to back them up.

Besides, you obviously haven’t read my instruction manual. I’m sure that’s a sin as well. Check with your local authorities for confirmation or negation.

Um, God?

Is it irreverent that I want to ask you which kind of God you really are? I mean, are you that weird elephant God, or the one with six arms doing swirly things, or the frowning White God disapproving of humankind in general? I’m being serious here. I want to know Who I’m trying to please.

Please enlighten me.

Dear Fred,

I (we) know who you are. You’re a fucking atheist. You have no right to be talking to me (us) like this. You will be struck down.

Dear God. I keep waiting to be struck down. Here, see me holding a conducting rod up in the air? Strike me down, now!

Dear God. I’m getting arthritic in my right elbow holding my lightning rod up, waiting for you to unleash your fury. What’s up with that?

Dear Fred,

Fuck off. You’re wrecking my gig.

Very truly yours, God.
Thank you for reading this article and the 1200 page instruction pamphlet.
… Fred Ermlich and God

Thanks to Andrew Cheng for the inspiration (and apologies for my plagiarism):




We’re a Bad Influence because we INCITE change through inclusion, thought and creativity. We imagine a world where people can think critically, express themselves, and thumb their nose at the status quo, together.

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Fred Ermlich

Fred Ermlich

Living in rural Panamá — non-extractive, non-capitalistic. Expat USA. Scientist, writer, researcher, teacher. STEM mentor +languages.

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