Telling the truth may be something else
So, You Think You’re Honest? Think Again
Honesty is big these days. No more faking niceness. Ain’t hiding anything, buddy, I’ll tell you right in your face that you suck. Look at me, I’m so damn honest I tell the truth in every single comment section.
Yeah, well, no. You’re just being an asshole. (yes, I get the irony of my honesty here.).
Unless somebody is force-feeding you their stories, haircuts, diets, political views, or lifestyle, there is no need to share your ‘truth’ at all. Just move on and live your own life.
The Definition of Honesty
Merriam-Webster defines honesty as “adherence to the facts” and “fairness and straightforwardness of conduct”. Dictionary.com adds “truthfulness” to the mix. Aaah, this is rich.
Facts then. If I don’t like your haircut, what’s the fact? The fact is I don’t like your haircut. The fact is NOT your haircut sucks. I guess, this is where fairness comes into play. What’s the point of telling you, what are my intentions?
It may or may not be fair to point out that your perfume stinks— in my opinion. The question is why am I telling you? Did you ask for my opinion? Am I honestly concerned that you will be laughed at or scare away your date? Or do I just quibble because I had a shitty morning and it makes me feel ever so slightly better so see the embarrassment creep over your face?
Intention Matters
Rather than squirting out my supposedly truthful opinion about somebody else I want to make sure that my intentions are truthful. And yes, that may imply that I tell my child she’s on a good way to playing beautiful flute music if she keeps practicing even though my ears just coiled up in terror. It may have me praise a friend’s lovingly prepared dinner even though I didn’t find it particularly tasty.
What and how much ‘truth’ people need from me varies. I see it as my mission to be truthful in my relationship to them. My child needs my support. Telling them that they suck at playing the flute but that’s okay because everyone does initially is not going to help them. I’d rather encourage them while making sure they understand they still have some way to go.
Their Intentions Matter, Too
In my work I am way more blunt. My clients have signed up for that. They know what they’ve gotten themselves into, and they hire me precisely because I don’t cuddle them. I have a friend who likes to try out new things. I tell her what works for me and what doesn’t. She wants to know. This is how I help.
I have other friends who just want to make me feel at home and provide me and my kids with food. No need to nit-pick on their cooking.
In any case, I better remind myself and those around me that my opinions are just that. Opinions. Not facts.
Truth
What about truthfulness then? It seems like the sticking to facts, but then again it goes deeper. We can probably all agree that the sun sets every evening for a fact. There is a lot more, though, that we take for facts that aren’t. The table may look green to me; it doesn’t to the color-blind. What’s the fact then? My perception or theirs? There is no fact. There is only perception. So, what’s the truth after all?
The only truth I can ever know — if I dare to look — is the one inside me. And that is where I believe true honesty lies. True integrity means looking inside, seeing what is there, and owning it. The fears, the desires, the intuitions. Living in alignment with who I am beyond any social role assigned to me.
It requires questioning some universal cultural ‘truths’. It is one thing to cognitively understand that a woman can have and express her desire as much as any man. The truth is (my truth is) that the shame is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it still makes me cringe every time I want to consider myself a sexual being.
This is challenging. This takes courage.
Offending others doesn’t. Pointing the finger, blaming society, shaming others, doesn’t.
When I’m honest with myself, when I search, find, and assume my own truth, I have no need to tell others how to live their lives (better). I am naturally kind. I can set my boundaries without crossing those of others. I can say no with kindness. I can say yes with kindness.
This, for me, is true honesty. The rest is trolling.
