What Made Me an Unideal Daughter
Which includes everything I believed in
In general, Indian daughters are idealised a lot more than normal. She is raised to serve others and taught to be selfless. And I have failed miserably as a daughter as per the ideal scales. Well, I am yet to fail at the rest of the roles a woman has to play!
An ideal Indian daughter is to be obedient, decent, and selfless. Mainly because she is to be married off to another household someday. And the reputation of the family depends on how well she carries herself before and after marriage.
Some of us do enjoy a fair amount of freedom. We are allowed to chose a career and live a few years away from home before marriage. And fortunately, I have had these years and I am still on one such year.
They trusted me with my freedom! Now, the trust, as usual, is not supposed to be misused. Let me explain, I was allowed to do a lot of things as long as I stay within the limits. And I did not set the limits nor did I get to choose what the limits were, those were prewritten for me.
I Broke a Few Rules and, then a Few More
Ideally, I am ‘supposed’ to be a non-smoker, a non-drinker, and certainly not supposed to do weed or any hard drugs. These generally make a man or a woman pretty badass in India, and even more so for a woman.
I am a social drinker, it just means I don’t drink unless I have a reason to. And I am an on and off regular-smoker, I quit sometimes and I get back to it when I am bored. Mostly these are done with friends around, in the name of having a good time.
Some eyes do roll at me when I smoke in public or go drinking late at night, even after being in a big city. Those gazes of disgust are meant to make me question or pity myself. Well, I still do not dare do these in my hometown as I am not ready to face the backlash, and I have kept it hidden from my family.
And why? I knew they will never be happy about it. And that’s what happened when they came to know. I am no longer what they thought I would be, or what they raised me to be. I was told that I had disappointed them. I was told to keep it a secret as it is a dangerous piece of information to be known to the public. And this was still okay to live with. But I had done more!
The Taboo!
Sex of course! If you are an unmarried girl, you should be a virgin to your marriage. Else you are a badass, nope not again, you are a sinner now! That’s a free ticket to hell for a few moments of pleasure.
A daughter is the protector of the family dignity. Yes, put into nicer terms, the family dignity lies between the daughter’s legs!
I had done it before marriage and unfortunately, my family got to know. Since then I got labeled as a slut. They made sure I felt bad about my actions. Having sex with someone after marriage( whom you barely know ) is right but doing it before marriage (with someone whom you love or like) is a sin. Come on, it’s outside wedlock, that counts as a sin, I mean that should!
There are two reasons why it is considered wrong, some say it is because men in India do not want to marry a nonvirgin. And the other reason is that one loses her character/trustworthiness if she commits this so-called sin.
Why does it matter to the men? Does it hurt their male ego? Or boost their insecurities? Are they afraid of competition which they thought did not exist? Whichever reason it be, logical is not one of them.
And the worst part is a man having sex before marriage has no direct relationship with his virtue! He is termed as having fun while a girl loses her character. I think women’s virtues are not as delicate or as disposable as their hymens! Make sense maybe? (If your sexist brain has justifications for this discrimination, you can kindly keep that to yourself and take it to your grave.)
The Toll I Had to Pay for Being Bad
When my family got to know the kind of person I am, they strongly disapproved. I was not able to deal with it in the first place. And after the exposure, I was questioning myself and my entire belief system. I was brought up in a different lifestyle than the one I followed. I was facing a serious identity crisis. I was around the same people who did not approve of the person I was, so I kept telling myself how wrong I was and how I needed my life to change.
I was suicidal for a while, I felt worthless and ashamed. I did not want to go out, I did not want to talk or socialise. I regretted every decision I made before that phase and was full of self-pity. If I hadn’t landed on my first job soon, things could have ended badly for me. (Till date, I am more than grateful to my first boss, he saved me!)
I had believed them and I had hated myself for everything I was. Well, all till they had their influence on me. Did I stick to the person they made me believe I should be? No, I took a U-turn and went back to who I was or am.
I Chose to Live with it
This is one decision that I do not regret, and hopefully, will never regret. It doesn’t matter how much anyone tells you otherwise, sometimes you just can not pretend to be someone you are not. How long can you shush yourself? You only hurt yourself trying to fit in.
I still need my family’s approval, it’s very important to me. I want them to be proud of who I am, I want them to accept me for what I am. It does not matter how successful I become if they do not accept me as a person.
So, I have tried talking to them multiple times to make them understand why I think I am not bad. But no avail, our values just do not match yet. And they choose to stick to their beliefs. That did not mean I should give up, and I did not. But I stopped trying to convince them, or force my beliefs on them. I respect their values and I still chose to live with mine. I only stopped seeking their validation.
I was asked to change so that I can fit into the definitions of good. But who said I was not good in the first place? I chose not to believe them. I am not a sinner or a wrongdoer in my eyes. And I found a lot of people who agree with me. And that is enough.
I stopped seeking their validation
One does not become bad by smoking, drinking, or having sex. Well if you think so, you should question your belief system. Not everything said in religious texts makes sense and it should not. I am not here to correct your values or force mine upon yours. But I very well have the right to believe in my value system just like you do, so you do not get to force your beliefs on me either.
I can go wrong by choosing my principles over the one that was thought to me. And that’s how one learns, nobody said life was error-proof. I do not believe in living by a set of rules that I do not understand or find difficult to follow.
I chose not to lose my individuality for the sake of being good in someone’s definitions!
