What My Ex-Boyfriend Taught Me About Self-Pleasure
One night, I decided to tell my boyfriend that I touched myself. We were both 16. He was my best friend and naturally, I wanted him to know everything about me.
I shyly asked, “What do you think about girls touching themselves?”
He didn’t answer. All I remember was the look of disgust on his face when he asked back, “Why? Do you do it?”
I replied in a shameful tone, “Yes.” Almost in tears.
He said, “Promise me you’ll never do that again.”
Being the lovesick, naive, and hopeless romantic that I am, I agreed.
Inside, I felt awful. I felt so judged. But mostly, I felt so compelled to question why it should be such a shameful thing.
Masturbation or self-pleasure is taboo, especially in our culture. Everything related to sex is sinful and must not be talked about until you are married. Yes, I live in a predominantly Catholic nation.
I grew up conflicted about the idea of exploring my sexuality and aligning myself to the ‘conservative’ society I lived in. My boyfriend’s family is a devoted Catholic so I started to adapt to the religious ways which included going to the church on Sundays.
Ironically, we were sexual teenagers who engaged in very sexual stuff that didn’t lead to actual sex. We made out a lot. We touched each other a lot. And this confused things even more for me.
I thought, “So he is okay with us doing sexual things to each other but not to ourselves individually?”
I don’t remember him admitting that he also masturbates but he can’t deny that he learned a thing or two watching hentai.
The question marks kept popping up in my 16-year-old mind.
Female Masturbation Is Still Taboo
For a long time, I felt that there was something wrong with me because of my sexual curiosity. Every time I touched myself, I felt dirty and shameful which was then amplified by the reaction of my ex-boyfriend.
After we broke up and I turned 19 at that time, I still remained in the confusion bubble. I reached college without proper sexual education. The closest thing to sex ed that we had during high school was in Biology class when we were introduced to the male and female body reproductive system. When mentioned, the clitoris was just the clitoris, nothing special about it.
To educate myself, I resorted to doing research online which then lead me to watch porn, which wasn’t really a good place to start.
I later realized that masturbation is men are more talked about and accepted than female masturbation. All the “jerking off” jokes I heard in movies or TV series were strictly referenced as only something men did.
Furthermore, a study in 2017 revealed that women who are in a relationship fear that masturbating would indicate that their sexual need is not being met by their partners, thus they refrain from doing it.
Now in my twenties, I feel more comfortable talking about sex and self-pleasure with my closest friends. And it never felt so liberating. I’m now more confident in exploring my body and feeling at ease in expressing my sexual desires.
Shifting The Mindset on Self-Pleasure
Women’s perception of self-pleasure varies among cultures. From my story, the stigma around female masturbation is rooted in the conservative views of society due to religion.
In other parts of the world, like in Africa and India, it goes as far as women’s genitals being mutilated. The clitoris would be cut off and the vaginal lips would be sewn together to ensure that the female bride is still a virgin before marriage. This inhibits the natural function of women’s bodies and causes several immediate and long-term complications.
This proves that it is also an issue of sexism and flawed social construct. It’s also our long history with the lack of acceptance to the fact that women equally enjoy sex as much as men and that they can satisfy their sexual needs on their own.
In the 21st century, conversations about sexuality and self-pleasure among women are becoming widespread and normal. Conversations with friends, reading sex books, and articles can help a lot in releasing the shame associated with masturbation. It is a way of being informed not just how normal it is to practice self-pleasure but also how it can greatly benefit your well-being.
It is also about pushing for transformation in the way sex education is being taught and overall engaging in these important dialogues, bringing awareness of it even at home, discussing it as if it was the most normal thing in the world, as it should be.
It is also important to say that masturbation is not for everyone and we all have our unique pleasure preferences. It’s about exploring your own sexual journey, finding what’s comfortable for you, and not letting anyone else tell you what to do or not to with your body.
