Entering the Void
Why I’m Going Porn Free in 2021
If I never try, I’ll never know.
Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.
— C.S. Lewis
When it comes to the list of habits most of us never question in our adult lives, pornography consumption is undoubtedly a gross offender.
It should come as no surprise that a fella got his way through a stressful biochemistry degree with a little help from his friends…
But after I graduated, failed to actualize my grad school dream, and was forced to confront a life that, for better or worse, wasn’t one that had a future in academia, I began to look more deeply into my habits.
All of my habits.
I don’t know exactly how, when, or why I began questioning pornography’s effects on my brain and body, maybe around a year or two after graduating with my degree (2016–2018).
I discovered the work of Gary Wilson, author of Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction.
For those that are unfamiliar, Wilson’s work is part of what inspired the formation of communities such as Reddit’s very own /r/nofap, where people (mostly men, but a few women as well) talk about pornography’s long-term effects on their mental health, physical well-being, sense of self-esteem, etc.
I never really participated in those communities, as I prefer to take the self-exploration approach toward unearthing and grappling with my own buried bullshit, but I eventually got around to reading Wilson’s book a couple of months or so ago and was finally convinced that I should try and go cold turkey on pornography for at least one year.
I guess 2021 is that year.
Why?
I’m curious to see if this “brain reset” thing that a lot of former porn addicts swear by happens to me — at least in the more libido-driven parts of my psyche. Will my focus, self-esteem, attractiveness, and all that other mumbo-jumbo improve the more I control my own passions?
In other words, is the following pull-quote true, or a load of bullshit?
We gain the strength of the temptation we resist.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m also deeply curious as to whether or not the desire to watch porn every day can be classified as an addiction, which is a claim Wilson makes with the backing of several studies throughout his book.
Furthermore, in this day and age, the core of self-improvement really has — for most people — come to be the questioning of one’s habits so that the unhealthy ones can be replaced with healthier alternatives, thereby leading to a more productive, optimistic, hope-filled life.
But before I go any further, let me tattle on myself.
I’ve already experimented with quitting porn — for a few weeks at a time. To be sure, what I actually watch has “reset” back to pre-college levels. In other words, I’ve stopped caring about hardcore shit and have realized just how much of a vanilla ass basic bitch I really am.
In other domains of life, however, my findings aren’t so certain.
While I’ve greatly improved my mental health these past four years (including my ability to focus, to be more productive, to have a more positive outlook on the future, and to keep my own toxic tendencies in check) I can’t attribute this to having cut back on porn… entirely.
Hell, I’m not sure I can even attribute it to it at all.
I still don’t know if porn is a problem or not!
Despite my attempts to quit, I’ve always found myself relapsing at some point.
And that word “relapse” is a curious one, as it implies a form of addiction.
But is that really what it is?
For instance, I love the tres leches cake this Mexican bakery a few blocks from our apartment makes.
I eat it maybe once a week.
I’ve also made the effort to cut back on sugar for a while now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t eat cake from time to time.
YOLO, after all.
So I wonder the same thing about porn.
At what point does it become something that can be considered an addiction?
Does masturbating to porn three times per day during finals week qualify as an addiction?
…
*looks the other way*
…
Another question I’m curious about is if cutting out artificial sexual stimulation entirely will really enhance the physical intimacy in my relationship.
And this isn’t to say that my girlfriend and I would describe our sex-life as unfulfilling.
I suppose it’s been…
I don’t know…
Normal?
If it was a problem all this time, the relationship probably wouldn’t have lasted this long, or been as rewarding as it has been.
But I’m actually proud of the fact that both my girlfriend and I seem to be on the same wavelength on this one: we can enjoy sex, but it takes a backseat toward the more emotional dynamic of our relationship — the one built upon mutual support, trust, etc.
Neither of us seems to be a libido-obsessed individual, and we can very easily go long stretches of time without any bedroom activity.
Granted, I wasn’t always that way, but being in a relationship and having your needs satisfied for four years will change your opinion on how important sex should be in life.
In fact, we prefer to not really pursue it, until we happen to just wake up in the middle of the night already in the middle of the act.
Now, my girlfriend knows that I still get some porn in from time to time.
And y’know what?
She doesn’t really care.
She’s admitted to watching it here and there as well.
That’s what makes this relationship so cool.
Y’know, the whole no judgment thing.
But I suppose I’ve drifted from the essential point of this piece.
2021 is the year I try to go (mostly) porn free to observe if it has any noticeable effects on everything people claim it’s impacting — energy levels, focus, self-esteem, physical intimacy with a real partner, yatta yatta yatta.
In other words, will I really regain some lost “power” that was always in me that’s being vamped?
Or are the claims of no-fappers wildly exaggerated?
If I never try, I’ll never know.
And when it comes to self-knowledge of this variety, the truth can only be discovered within the realm of individual experience.
Everything else is, for the most part, bullshit.
