Satire

Writing for the Internet 101 — How to Pass the Course

By Understanding The One Thing That Really Matters

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

It suddenly dawned on me — there should be a course on Writing For The Internet.

Writing a novel or a paper for a medical symposium on the latest covid breakthroughs are not the same thing and require different skill sets.

Statistics tell the whole picture. A number of articles that I’ve read on the Internet lately, try to drill the point into my thick skull: pathetic stats are for pathetic losers. Statistics are the one thing that really matter.

The secret is that, on the Internet, no one has time to read; no one has time for BS. Here are some points that should be covered in the course:

• Internet Readers look for articles on topics they’re interested in. Otherwise, they really need to be enticed. The Motivated Reader needs to be seduced to your article for a reason.
• Internet Readers might be reading from their cell phone. Phone reading is much like phone sex, it’s basically illusionary and all smoke and mirrors. It can be as gratifying as a blow job, but reading on the big screen of a laptop is so much more a rewarding, enriching experience.
• The mechanics of writing, such as spelling and grammar are important. But mechanical writing is something completely different. We are not a bunch of efficient robots, but there are encrypted lessons to be learned if we strive to write like a bot.

We have 21st century Instagram-minds that seek immediate gratification for extremely short periods of time. Understand the attention span of a fruit fly — that will help you make your points more succinctly. No meandering or deviations. Listicles with bullet points are our best friend.

We were not lured to Internet writing as a form of self-absorbed masturbation and mashing of words for the purpose of inspiration. A real, economic burning need is what motivates. Economics outweigh aesthetic, plastic words that gather no moss, any day of the week.

I hope Keats is not spinning in his grave.

Feedback is the soul of wit; looking forward to any and all comments, if time permits.

© Connie Song 2021. All Rights Reserved.