How I created my dating profile pt. 1
After exiting the world of my long-term relationship, I realized that if I wanted to date again, I had to enter the world of dating apps. I’d never been on any of them and waited a year after my breakup before I finally installed one, at age 32. I figured I was late to the game on getting my driver’s license too, and I ACED THAT TEST DAD, so maybe with some worldly experience in my back pocket already, I’d be OK here.
Profile encourage
Making a dating profile was scary and introspective. It was like designing a jigsaw puzzle where once someone completed it, they’d stand back and see that it formed a picture of… me. And I desperately needed that to be a satisfying conclusion. I remember thinking Bumble would be a solid choice to start with. Women had to message first, and it seemed more “serious” than Tinder. So one night, I downloaded the app and started making my profile.
After Googling “how to make a bumble profile” and reading a bunch of feedback, I dismissed everything I saw and started on my own. I come from the world of communications and marketing and started to feel like this was essentially a marketing project. This made it much less intimidating for my brain. Now, I simply needed to convince my audience that I was the right fit for them. I needed to think about what they wanted to see and what they cared about. If I just listed some facts about myself, I wasn’t going to win over anyone. I needed to be persuasive, think about their desires, and consider what was in it for them (an oft-repeated mantra from my public relations teacher).
First and most important were the pictures. In my communications career, I’d coordinated some photoshoots for non-profit magazines and newsletter covers, and I knew a key piece of information (wow, those boring corporate webinars finally paid off). Critical to a good opening photo were eyes and teeth. Meaning a photo where the subject (in this case: me) was looking directly at the camera and smiling with teeth showing. A photo like this would be a perfect opening for setting the right friendly tone that was inviting to my target audience (in this case: a woman who wanted to talk, laugh, and repeatedly have sex with me over a long-term period of trust, love, and mutual satisfaction).
At the time that I was using Bumble, users were given six pictures to work with, three pre-written question prompts you could answer, and one About Me section. I didn’t have to use all of these (or any of them beyond a single photo), but I wasn’t going to waste any tools being given my way. And I thought that if I seemed extra “keen” that was fine because it was essentially the truth — I was keen. I was looking for a serious relationship and figured at worst women might subconsciously think “oh, he answered everything, he clearly gives a shit.”
Let the over-analyzing begin
I wanted a mix of photos to show off that I was a person with a variety of interests and had a social life filled with friends. Selfies weren’t bad because you could control everything and re-take until you got it exactly how you liked it, but I didn’t want to overdo it with them. Too many selfies would look too pathetic, like I didn’t have any friends and just took photos of myself in a sad bathroom. A few were fine though. I’d read that taking an inordinate amount of selfies was correlated with depression, narcissism and even violence. Without doing any actual follows up to find out how true that was, it “felt” true enough, so I just decided to believe it. So I had to avoid that vibe. I wasn’t a prolific selfie taker, but I’d grown into the habit of taking a few selfies when I thought I looked good — what better time to bust some of them out! Over the course of my Bumble profile, I had two selfies that I went with as my opening image, and in both, I had a nice smile plastered across my face. I was also wearing a cardigan in both. But I’m not sure that’s significant.
I had another selfie with sunglasses on during a summer walk outside. I’d been on dates with women where we went through each other’s apps and critiqued all the profiles we saw for fun. From that, I learned that a lot of guys’ profiles were filled with pictures of them in hats and sunglasses for every picture. It felt so closed off and impersonal, almost like they were hiding something.
But I liked this sunglasses photo a lot. This is a vain game we’re playing, and frankly, my hair was exactly how I like it, my facial hair was the right length, the lighting was fantastic and my wardrobe choice of a slick denim jacket was helping too. No smile, a bit of a smolder going on instead. This is all so embarrassing to type out now, but this is precisely how much overthinking went into creating my profile. I was in strategy mode. I figured the sunglasses were a bit much, but otherwise, it looked great and I had five other photos that showed me not looking like an asshole. So maybe I could get away with this one without my profile screaming “obnoxious douche.” (Let them find that out down the road.)
Next, I needed some people in my photos. People who weren’t me. I figured this would communicate that I had a social life and that I was someone who knew how to talk to other human beings. It was mind-blowing to me how many times I’d seen men’s profiles where it was just lonely pictures of them by themselves, over and over again. This is where the wave of fish pictures came from — it was one of the few pictures men (well, men like that) owned which would be taken by someone else. Still, seeing six photos in a row of only one person when you’re explicitly trying to sell yourself as a fun future partner? It just looked sad to me. Did they have friends? Did they have a family? It looked pathetic and probably didn’t show the whole truth… but it looked pathetic! And as my brain was taking this from a marketing standpoint and I was thinking about what my “audience” would want to see, I figured having some other people in there would be beneficial. And if it looked like we were all having fun together, even better.
In fact, sometimes I’d be out with friends and I’d just ask them to take photos of us for the express purpose of being a dating app photo. I got a great one at an arcade, where four of us were huddled around a “The Simpsons” arcade game booth. There was a mix of genders in the picture, and it was taken at an angle where the coloured lights around us made it look really cool and lively. Sure, I was barely in the photo, but that didn’t matter. My face was front and centre in my other pictures. I could use this one as a display of my social life that showed I had friends who went out together and had fun.
I also figured any instance of showing that the opposite sex would voluntarily be around me (and even look like they were enjoying themselves) was a plus. I’m saying that somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but having only groups of men around you simply gave off a different vibe than someone who had women around them in their profile. Most of the pictures I owned with another woman in it were pictures with my ex though. I really didn’t want to put a picture of her in my profile. It felt very gross and tacky. Instead, I found a fun photo with a cousin of mine where we posed cheesily by a Christmas tree. I dropped that one in, then chose a very fraternal picture of me with my brothers. I was good to go. These all looked different, adding more spices and creating the milieu of flavours I was going for with my variety of images.
Next, I’d have to start writing about myself… but I’ll save that for Part 2.
