Dear Baroness, I’m losing my girlfriend to a bearded hipster!

Dear Baroness,

Help. The love of my life is flirting with one of those full-bearded hipster guys every day at her job. I can’t compete with that amount of coolness. I can’t even grow facial hair. I look like Frodo and this guy looks like Wolverine. What can I do to get her attention back?


Desperate Hobbit

Dearest Hobbit,

So many things to address here, but I’ll focus on the heart of the matter: Flirting with the co-worker. How do you know she’s doing this? Has she told you? Because if she’s told you, darling, then that’s a great sign! She trusts in you and your relationship and wants to be open and honest. A little flirting never hurt anyone. It’s when it goes beyond flirting and/or if she doesn’t tell you, that you could be concerned, but I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that. Have you never heard of “The grass is always greener”? I have a dear friend who tells the world’s most tasteless jokes, dates the most tasteless women and uses the most coarse language (but I adore in spite of it all), who likes to say, “Show me the hottest blonde the world and I’ll show you a guy whose tired of *bedding her”. (*Yes, he uses another term for bedding, a word I am actually quite fond of in general, but it’s a bit early in the day for vulgarity, agreed?) And I’m not insinuating that she’s tired of bedding you, perhaps that was a terrible example, forgive me, but what I mean to say is that you might need to spice things up a bit at home. One gets comfortable after a while and while comfort is a lovely thought, without some excitement now and again, it can become staid and dare I say, boring. The point is, it will always be something. And a beard (or blonde hair or oodles of money or a ‘perfect body’ — hint: there is no such thing) does not a person make. Do we fall in love with people who are not our ‘ideal’? Yes. All the time. Most of the time. Put that in your hat and smoke it, as they say.

Her flirting may not have anything to do with the gentleman in question being bearded or not. Truly. And besides, haven’t you heard? They’re on the way out. So there’s that in your corner.

Perhaps she just likes to flirt. Or perhaps, as I said, things are a bit dull at home. Perhaps she is telling you about the flirting because she wants you to wake up and feel a little jealous and pay more attention to her. See it as positive or at a least an opportunity. No need to bring home diamonds, though feel free if you must, but, perhaps a note on the counter before she goes to work reminding her of a hot date you’ve set up that evening. Or joining her in the shower. Or a frisky slap on the bum. These are all simple things one can do to bring one’s partner back into the nest.

There could be larger problems, it’s true. And obviously, I know nothing more of your relationship than you’ve shared. But if it’s merely about flirting and beards, I think you have nothing to worry about.

Oh, and as far as your lack of hair . . . though that is not my ‘type’, many women I know prefer a boyish chap and love the lack of stubble. They’re thinking of their skin and all they’ve done to make it dewy and supple and luxe, and when a bearded, or, even worse, 5 O’clock shadow guy comes to call and wants to make out in the car after dinner, her skin will end up red and maybe even raw. And no woman wants that. We’ll deal with it, of course. Because the kissing is always worth it, but it’s one less thing to worry about.

Perhaps you need to remind your woman how delicious it is to feel your baby soft skin on her . . . that should redirect her attention.

Good luck, darling, and please stop referring to yourself as a Hobbit. I shudder at the thought. They are lovely people, surely. But I’ve never wanted to shag one.

As ever, and until next week . . .

The Baroness

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