Dear Baroness, My boyfriend won’t have sex with me when I’m having my period

Dear Baroness,

I have a new boyfriend. I think. We’ve been seeing each other a few times a week for just under two months. We haven’t had any talks about being exclusive but I think it’s assumed at this point, right?

Anyway, here’s the problem. I told him I was getting my period, just as a courtesy, and he got all weird with me. He cancelled our date. A few days later, when we did meet up, he asked if I was “any better” which I took to mean “not bleeding anymore” and then made some lame excuse about not being able to come home with me. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it but I really wanted to know if it was the fact that I had my period or something else. He squirmed and blushed and said he wasn’t into “that kind of sex”. I’m so disappointed and frankly, a bit weirded out. Am I overreacting or is he? I don’t want to break up with him over this, but at the same time . . . this doesn’t bode well for the future. Oh help.


Aunt Flo

Darling Flo,

Oh. Oh, If I had a dollar for every time I heard this story. Men! WTF? This is NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior. If you are a grown-ass man and are dating a grown-ass woman, then approximately every 28 days, she will menstruate. Most of us do not say, “Darling, I’m currently menstruating . . .” We try to make light of this horror by using a wide range of euphemisms (some more vulgar than others) such as shark week, riding the crimson wave, the Communists are in town, falling off the roof, on the rag, the curse, having the painters in, my red-headed cousin from down south, or simply, what so many of us say, “I’ve got my period.” Period. Oh the horror. I can see the faces of you men as I write this. Poor darlings. Forever confused and bewildered. So adorable.

Sadly, there are women out there who are grossed out by their own natural, life-giving menses too. Perhaps your boyfriend should go find one of those uptight lassies. Then they can go and live happily ever after in a clean, white sheet world. And she could go live in a hut for the week she is bleeding, so as not to contaminate others with her lady blood. What a brilliant solution!

FFS, dudes you do know what a period is, right?

It will not kill you if you to have sex with a woman who is bleeding. This is a fact.

I have a secret to tell . . . I get my period too! I have had it come at unexpected and inconvenient times. I have had men react, almost exclusively, as grown ups; gentleman even. For this is the price one must pay for having sex with a real, live, human woman. Wow. Imagine that.

I will tell you, that no matter how many times it happens, and no matter how many years you have been getting your period, you will still feel like an embarrassed teenager when it happens. And the best thing that can happen is for you dudes to not freak out.

If you are treating your woman like a thing that grosses you out, then how is she supposed to feel sexy around you ever again? Seriously. As they say, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best — not that periods are the worst. But they suck. Let’s face it.

I had an old beau who said, “A real pirate is not afraid of the red sea”. (Have I used this example already? I feel like I may have, but it bears repeating.) This is a sexy thing said by a man worth keeping around.

If this is a real thing for him and you want to work through this, offer to take a shower before sexy time. Or shower together. Chances are he either had a bad/messy experience and/or is a a neat freak/hates blood/doesn’t really understand it all . . . send him to the inter-webs. There are answers and support to be found there. And he is not alone in this hangup. Sadly.

I’d also like to point out, to you men out there, that many women are horny during their periods, much hornier than usual. So the combination of her wanting it more and you wanting it not at all might not be the best way to get in her good graces.

Honestly, Flo, it might be time to cut this one loose. Things like this are often signs of larger issues. Shame and repression are huge and terrible things and though one can work through them, it’s not your job to fix him.

But if you really like him you have two choices: Talk to him about it. Make it fun and sexy and less gross/scary for him (Pre-game showering seems to be a great solution for many men I’ve spoken to). Or . . . live without sex for 4–7 days per month. Which is a terrible ‘solution’ in my book.

And by the way, this does not automatically mean it’s blow job week. Unless you’re into that. And if so, good on you, but I’m not sure he deserves a prize for this behavior, you know?

You could compromise — which is something I hear people in relationships do — and have it be crazy, horny sex AND blow job week! WinWin!

As Ever,

The Red Baroness

Originally published at

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