Feeding the Zamboner*, Part 1: Figure Skating at the 2018 Olympics

*A Zamboni is the giant tractor-like machine that resurfaces the ice. Hence, Zamboner.

Chery Sutjahjo, Slant editor and chief figure skating correspondent, has been covering the Olympics in an amazing display of figure skating knowledge. Catch Part 2 and Part 3 of her commentary, and don’t forget to subscribe to The Slant.

Having fully retired my figure skates at the tender age of 16, I choose now to provide unsolicited commentary during the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang. Now my competitive gear consists of sweatpants and wine, which means my performance (er, writing) will be in tip-top shape. Triple-triple combo? Pour it up.

I’d also like to take the opportunity to introduce my sister, Amy, who is serving as honorary figure skating correspondent for The Slant. Amy was admittedly better than me at figure skating, with athletic ability that made her jumps more powerful than mine. She also competed against Mirai Nagasu once. Though I loved jumping, my strongest areas were artistry and grace, which is ironic since I now bump into door frames on the reg.

The first figure skating event was last night, February 8th, and consisted of the men and pairs teams performing their short programs for the team event. I honestly don’t entirely understand the structure of the team event, but I consider it a lower-stakes pre-game to the actual individual competitions.

The event opened with Cha Jun-hwan who represented South Korea.

CS: Look at Team Korea. Look how hype they are.
AS: Why is there a white guy?
CS: Probably cause he’s into Asian girls.

Actually he’s Alexander Gamelin, who is competing with Yura Min to represent South Korea in ice dancing. Sorry Alexander. You are an incredible athlete who has worked hard to get to where you are and I apologize for my terrible jokes.

*Pause to re-jigger the WiFi because who has cable nowadays*

Patrick Chan of Canada takes the ice, skating to “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas. It’s interesting since only recently were skaters allowed to skate to music with lyrics. Also interesting because this song reminds me of my ~emo~ high school days when I had this on repeat for a while and thought I ~understood life~.

*Re-jiggers the WiFi again, cursing because we were afraid we missed Nathan Chen*

Turns out we just missed some footage of his days as a baby on skates.

Pictured: Nathan Chen, age 10, who was already being beckoned to the 2018 Olympics 8 years ago

Israeli skater Oleksii Bychenko waits for his scores as Nathan Chen warms up on the ice.

AS: Look, Nathan Chen just did a triple.
CS: Just as a warmup?
AS: Yeah.
CS: Saaaaaaaaaaame. *big sip of wine to drown regrets*

Nathan Chen starts his program, looking SLEEK AF in a head to toe black costume designed by Vera Wang. Not that this matters but actually yeah, it matters. Vera Wang famously designed Michelle Kwan’s costumes for a significant portion of her career and brought haute couture to the rink.

Chen lands his first quadruple jump but turns the quad-triple combo into a quad-double — i.e., he bails on the second jump and only rotates twice instead of three times.

AS: OOOH.
CS: Still gets points though.

Next up is his quadruple toe loop, but he pops it — meaning again he bails on the rotations, this time eliminating two rotations and completing only two rotations total.

AS: You see Rafael, his coach? He was Sasha Cohen’s coach, too. His coach is still focused. That’s good. That other guy’s coach started looking around other places when he started falling.

I feel that, though. Better perform if you want me to pay attention, damn! (This is why I’m not a coach, if you were wondering).

Next up is his triple axel — three and a half rotations from a forward entry, very difficult. His entry looks good but he’s a little tilted in the air and falls during the landing.

AS: Nooooooo. I clenched my buttcheeks.
CS: Ughhhhhhh…yeah he was leaning.
AS: He always falls on that! They should just take it out.

(Things are hard? Take it out. Probably why my sister isn’t a coach either, if you were wondering).

CS: His footwork is really good, though. (It really is — he keeps up his speed and power throughout, and the choreography is difficult, requiring a lot of switching of directions and edges).
AS: But he only has 32 points, dude.

True that. So overall not a great showing for Chen’s short program.

CS: He looks mad disappointed.
AS: Yeah dude.
CS: At least it’s just the team event and he has time to figure it out.
AS: Man this is crazy. I thought Nathan Chen was perfect always.

Chen receives a score of 80.61, which is significantly below his season best of 104.12. It’s a B- which is pretty unacceptable. (Jk, and also there is no letter grade scale, lol).

Next up, Shoma Uno of Japan, who lands his quadruple-triple combo as well as his triple Axel.

CS: Ohhhhhhhh.
AS: Damn.
CS: Everyone skates to this song (Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons”).
AS: Yeah. I think it’s also in a car commercial.
MS: Isn’t it also a food commercial? Oh it’s Chef’s Table! (Hi Mike, Amy’s boyfriend).
AS/CS: Oh yeaaaaaah!

So Shoma Uno, who skates to the theme of Chef’s Table, scores 103.25 and takes the lead. He’s a force to be reckoned with.

CS: Damn he’s good.
AS: Awww he’s so happy! Ugh, I wish you were from America.

At this point the WiFi craps out for good and I realize I should probably go to bed so I can hit the gym in the morning, because I need to train for nothing.

Stay tuned for my notes from upcoming skating events, or don’t, because I quit things sometimes.

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chery sutjahjo
Asian American News | Pacific Islander News | The Baton

pun-loving, label-shunning millennial. fan of irony. product marketer in tech, former editor at The Slant, noodle aficionado, NYC based.