2021 in Retrospect: Surviving in the Trenches, Thriving Where the Wealth is

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I was going to join the masses and make a reel. 2021 Recap, most people called it. The very idea was laughable. I don’t take a lot of pictures. I feel weird taking pictures, especially the ones where I have to pose. Videos are worse. I feel silly. So what show-stopping material did I have for this reel?

I suppose I do have some pictures. I cannot claim that I have none at all. I think in trying to act against myself, I subconsciously try to fit in with others. To do what other people do, to be like other people. For all my deficiencies and my warts, I am not other people. I am me. Quirky. Funny. Eccentric. Smart. Some people like to say I’m beautiful. That one is still taking some getting used to, but that does not mean it is false. And that is absolutely fine.

The reel would have only showed the highlights. What good does that do for anybody? Let’s get into the meat of the matter, shall we?

School

My year started with nearly crippling anxiety. Rumours had started about school opening up. I was not happy and worst of all, I was not prepared. I had left school in 2020 with one paper left to conclude my second professional examinations. It was a practical paper and it didn’t worry me. What did worry me were the results of the other papers, especially the dreaded Clinical Pathology. I didn’t know what to expect, but I can say that I did not expect it to be as bad as it turned out to be. I failed. Three papers out of five, including the dreaded Clinical Pathology.

I thought I was going to be sick. I was terrified. Worst of all, I didn’t believe I would make it to the next class. Either way, I had to prepare for the resit and I had to prepare at home. This fact compelled me to tell my mother. For a few days, I thought she was going to be sick. She didn’t waste any time in informing me how shocked and disappointed she was. I cried a lot.

It was difficult to put myself to work when I really and truly believed there was no hope. So I devoted myself to Mother Mary and to God with a quickness. I started praying my rosary everyday along with the Litany of Trust. I was truly convinced that there was no way in hell I could pass these exams a second time. At least, not with my own strength or brains. But with an Almighty and Ever Living God, perhaps He could make this impossible thing become possible.

I had never prayed to God with such sincerity and brokenness before. Another thing I did was talk to my friends. I had people praying for me and counseling me. I can’t say I got rid of the feeling that I was sure to fail, but it gave me the strength to keep studying.

The exams came and went. I was worried about Clinical Pathology again. I returned from the practical exam and said a Divine Mercy chaplet because I was so unsure. After that, I tried to be positive and trust in God. I also entertained the wild idea that if I did repeat the year because of Clinical Pathology, I would have to bear it with grace. I even thought of all the extracurricular activities I could do with all the extra time if I had a year to do one course and nothing else. The first quarter of 2021 was very terrible indeed.

The first result came out very quickly. Then, Clincial Pathology came out. I passed. I saw the sheet and screamed. I kept looking, kept tracing my matric number to make sure it was not a mistake. It was not. I had passed. Then, I thought the worst was over. But broken as my spirit was, I thought to myself, I shouldn’t get too excited. Maybe, the last result didn’t go as well as I had hoped.

It took such a long time to come out and I was worried the entire time. I had started clinicals, but my mind wasn’t in it. I didn’t want to buy any stethoscope or books or pen torch, because I wasn’t sure I was in 400 level for real.

When the result finally came out and I passed, I couldn’t believe it. It was like I had been under a dark, stormy sky and the sun had finally broken through the clouds.

Everyday for several days, I would wear my clinical coat in awe. I had done it. I was in 400 level for real.

Surely enough, I settled in and school became what I had always known it to be. A drag. Very quickly I found myself struggling to make up requirements, struggling to amass enough knowledge to pass my end of posting exams, struggling not to resent people who had made my life significantly harder than it needed to be. Always struggling.

I had tried to posture myself as a “serious student”. It didn’t work. Besides the obvious fact that I do not possess the bottomless well of motivation and perhaps, discipline needed to thrive in medical school, I realised that some things are just not in my power. Apparently, by meeting certain people in an oral exam I am already destined to fail because the chances that I will impress them are below the ground. There are other things needed to pass a medical school exam besides knowledge and application. One of those things is luck, and nobody can determine how much of a role luck plays in success. You only know your chances when you are face to face with your examiner.

As always, I have to slug it out. Roll with the punches. Make lemonade out of lemons, peppersoup out of pepper. Surviving rather than thriving has become a way of life here.

Work

School had left me so exhausted, I had no time or plans for work. I had to quit the content writing internship that had brought me so much joy because I had no time to write anything. I cried.

In the third quarter of the year, my beautiful, charming, gracious boss at Cheychi Haircare recommended me to someone else for a social media job. I took it. I wasn’t keen on it because I had decided at this time that I didn’t want to do social media management as a career. But I needed to keep making money somehow and it wasn’t much more difficult than what I was doing at Cheychi Haircare.

In September, Stephanie Shabba recommended me to someone who needed a writer. I got hired almost immediately and I was to be paid three times my previous rate as an intern. I was ecstatic. I didn’t search for this job, I was recommended. I had the confidence to increase my rates, and the price was accepted without question. Do you understand how wild that is?

Every year for the past two or three years, my financial goals for the year have included saving more money and adding an extra source of income. This past year, I added two sources of income with minimal effort.

(There was also a third, but it started and ended so quickly and on such bad terms that I don’t think it deserves a detailed mention at all.)

It’s so ironic. I put in so much effort into school and I get very little in return. I try to avoid work and focus on school and jobs just fall into my lap.

I had to stop the second social media job in December though. I was tired, and I thought it was better for me to focus on what I truly love doing and work on that.

Friendship and Romance, or the lack there of

My friendships are typically uneventful. We gather to eat and gist. Sometimes, study, but not always. This past year, however, I had to stand up for myself. On one occasion, I had to fight.

As my confidence grows, I have decided that people cannot talk to me anyhow. You can’t say any foolish thing you like to me and expect me to accept it. You cannot act anyway you like and expect me to tolerate it. I will call you out because I deserve respect. I will also call you out because I care enough about the friendship to nip problems in the bud before they explode.

I made some new friends this year, strengthened old friendships and I had to let some people go. It was nothing acrimonious. It is just a matter of self respect and self preservation.

The fact of the matter is, there are some things I should not have to beg for. I cannot be putting effort to try and uphold a friendship with someone and the other person never tries. Ever.

I don’t lack friends, and I certainly don’t lack love.

People underestimate the value of keeping in touch, but it is very important. How do we remain friends if you’re not present? You don’t know what’s going on in my life and I don’t know what’s going on in yours. In the end, there may be love between us, but there is certainly no relationship.

One of the most profound things I discovered this year is that there is no depth to which the human person cannot fall. You have not seen it all. There is still more and more room for disappointment.

I had an altercation with someone and the counsel he received while trying to gain clarity on the situation was “It’s a girls thing.” I will never forget it.

‘Agere Contra : to act against’

The world is besieged by the plague of foolish men who have no character or substance and I have the misfortune of meeting them consecutively.

I was quite excited to meet new people this year. I went out of my way to do so, trying to “agere contra” my way through life. Until I met someone who threw me off track completely .

Many girls my age have been ghosted a few times, but this. This was an outrage. I’ll leave out the details, as we still have mutual friends. It would be glaringly obvious.

My spiritual director thinks the boy may be intimidated by me. I think that’s insane, but it’s a sufficient explanation.

Now I’m not so willing to meet people. I just want to curl up on my bed and read books or watch Netflix. I’ll have to snap out of this sooner or later. Or else, how will I marry? Of course, God could also do a thing and cause someone to just meet me in my house. But I doubt it. I highly doubt.

Spirituality and Interior Life

My relationship with God improved greatly this year, especially after passing my resits. I had this overwhelming sense of God’s presence. He is really with me and he hears my prayers. He also answers them, sometimes. I mean, let’s face the facts., I once prayed that the person I marry should be exactly like Simon Basset. Is God really going to answer that prayer? Very unlikely.

After passing the exams, I continued praying my rosary everyday. It has been a source of comfort to me. I was very excited to experience some of the promises of the Rosary in my own life.

One of the highlights of my spiritual life this year was partaking in the Life in the Spirit Seminar. It was hosted by the Catholic Charismatic Renewal of the Catholic Church of the Divine Mercy, Lekki. I did not know what I was getting myself into so I had no expectations. It was divine. I was drawn to see the effects of the Holy Spirit throughout the course of my life. I also recognised the gift He has given me.

Things took a short nosedive in December. I tried to complete the 54 Day Rosary Novena but I missed a couple of days. I stopped at day 29. After missing a few days, I didn’t pray again till 31st of December. Now I’m back to normal programming. I’m going to try the novena again.

Happy New Year. Or not.

In the course of writing this, I saw that a colleague in 500l committed suicide in the hostel in the early hours of the day, 1st January 2022. I barely knew him, but I’m in pain. How much more those who loved him and were closest to him. His friends. His family. Suddenly it feels criminal to enjoy anything or to even speak of my hopes for the year when such a tragedy has occurred so early in the year.

Slug it out.

Roll with the punches.

Lemonade out of lemons.

Peppersoup out of pepper.

Surviving, not thriving.

Someone did not survive.

Yet, a new year begins.

May the Divine Assistance remain always with us and may the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.

Amen.