How to start your personal development journey? Get angry.
The problems are many.
I can’t remember if I did a proper intro when I first started The Pursuit of Balance, but it doesn’t matter. The first intro would probably have been cute at best. This one is coming from a place of deep, deep frustration. Which in no small way has been exacerbated by ASUU, the federal government and this season of Corona.
I’m a skrep. A big time skrep. I think I could be the poster child of sloth. Someone abruptly cut me out of her life recently. When I moved past the initial pain that this brought, I reviewed my general appearance in the time we were together. And let me just tell you, I am in no way shocked that she disposed of me so easily. Clearly, I wasn’t adding anything of value to her life. And as far as aesthetics goes, I probably wasn’t a person she wanted to be seen with at any point in time.
And I am sick of it. I really feel like I have not had any major improvement or success in anything in the past four years. And in this season of Corona and a strike that seems to have no end in sight, I am convinced that there is no one else to blame but myself.
The answers I seek will be found in the work I am not willing to do.
(Paraphrased) — Smart Money Tribe by Arese Ugwu.
Every aspect of my life is seriously jacked up.
School. We bless God that I’m still in.
Money. I’m always broke. When I was in school, I was making a bit of progress with my savings. But with Corona in town and ASUU on yet another strike, guess who no longer has an allowance? Me. I have tried to do one or two things in the past few months, but now I am back to square zero.
Appearance. When I don’t look completely disheveled, I just look excessively plain. I used to tell myself that it’s not a big deal, but now I’m 20 years old. And I’m shocked at how serious the situation is. The only presentable clothes I have are for school and for church. Anything outside of that complete zero. Even the clothes that are for school, I wear some of them and people tell me I look like an old woman.
CAN I JUST CATCH A BREAK? Apparently not.
A friend once tried to make me feel better by telling me my style is ‘classic’. It didn’t work.
FUN FACT: I agreed to attend a concert with my roommates one time. I came into the room to see them glammed up. Everybody looked good. See me scattering my box looking for clothes, only to find out I had nothing. Nothing. I had to wear one stupid jeans with baggy shirt that one of my roommates tied for me at the back. And as she was tying it, she said, ”See this your tummy. If you had flat tummy now, we would have hiked this shirt up for you in the front and you would have looked better” And I couldn’t say anything. Do you know why? Shame. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME.
The BMI scale says I’m overweight. Not morbidly, but still. I’m tall, so people don’t see it as much. Especially since I’m into unfashionable baggy clothes. But the numbers on the scale do not lie.
I have finally reached the point where I am absolutely disgusted by everything about myself.
When I grow up (because I can hardly claim adulthood at this point), I want to be like Beyonce. She embodies excellence. I still haven’t finished watching Homecoming because the things that were happening in that film were too much for my small brain to comprehend. How can someone focus on one thing long enough and with such intensity to do what she did at Coachella that year?
With the way things are moving for me right now, it is impossible for me to reach her level of badassery.
But I can do something about it!
I just have to start with baby steps.
