Battle of the Bridesmaids
Writer’s block. It’s annoying enough regardless of anything else. It is even more of a problem when you’re expected to deliver in a regular schedule. But I think I know the cause. In my experience, most of the times the problem is caused by a feeling that the issues you’re tackling are just to big for your puny little words. That leaves you with two ways out. You could put down your weapons and postpone the fight to another day. Only write when you’re feeling sharp. That is very much the philosophy of this platform. But there’s also Option Two: write about something smaller. Global challenges and possible solutions will have to wait, because today I’m writing about the most important of all trivialities: football.
Luckily, we’ve got a nice little final lined up today. This evening in Amsterdam, Chelsea will play Benfica to win the Europa League. This being only the second most important trophy after the Champions League, it’s basically a round of “Who Will Be The Bridesmaid?”. In this regard, both teams have got quite an interesting backstory. Benfica Lisbon is the old widow who’d like to feel nineteen again. Chelsea was last year’s fairy tale bride; now she’s going through a painful divorce, desperate for a rebound. Needless to say there will be drama.
In more than one way Chelsea’s Champions League victory last year looked a lot like the wedding of Prince Albert of Monaco. A big show and boatloads of cash couldn’t hide that the couple should have never made the altar in the first place. The team and it’s Russian billionaire owner Roman Abramovich had gone through a severe relationship crisis earlier that year. Because of a rebellious dressing room Abramovich had been forced to sack his coach of choice Andre Villas-Boas and reluctantly replace him with the old club favourite Roberto Di Matteo. Under his lead, the team went for it anyway, because for older key players like Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, and John Terry this was probably their last chance. (See also: Prince Albert’s wedding, again.) So the team went to the altar and answered with a full resounding “I do”, and took home the trophy.
For Abramovich, this finally got him the trophy that attracted him to football in the first place. It was delivered by a bride he had fallen out of love with though. So no one was surprised when he eventually filed for divorce. (Full disclosure: I’m a fan of Chelsea’s London rivals Arsenal, so some Schadenfreude might follow here.) First one to go was Champions League hero Didier Drogba. His performances in the semis against Barcelona and against Bayern Munich in the final might have won Chelsea the cup, but his attitude in the dressing room allegedly was one of the causes of Chelsea’s relationship crisis in the first place. Next in line was Di Matteo. His defensive tactics were key in securing the Champions League, but Roman didn’t like the fact that he’s more popular with the fans than him, so off he went.
Now the penultimate act of the divorce is being played out on the streets. This weekend, Frank Lampard became the club’s all time top scorer. The club hierarchy have made it clear though that they don’t want him to stay next season, allegedly for the same reasons as Drogba. He himself has publicly declared he does want to stay, but even if he plays and wins the game for them tonight, he’ll probably have to go just like Drogba. That would leave Abramovich with only his loveable captain John Terry left of the old guard. He’s already out of the first eleven though, officially due to injury troubles, but more likely because of his tendency to fall over.
In the midst of all this drama, Chelsea should take a lesson from the old widow they’re facing tonight. Back in the early 1960s, Benfica too went through a bitter honeymoon after winning Europe’s most desirable trophy. They were led to the altar by Hungarian star coach Béla Guttmann, famous for his short-termist maxim: “The third year is fatal.” He left the club after a dispute about money with the chairman, exclaiming: “You’ll never win a European cup without me. Not in a hundred years!” Since that day, Benfica have reached six finals, and won zero.
At Distilled we do appreciate this kind of drama, but we also like to get something extra out of it. Every scene is set within a bigger picture, and this one is an old favourite. Chelsea is run by a tyrannical shareholder, Roman Abramovich. He has no regard for the contributions of the employees that brought him his biggest successes. As expected with this kind of management, it has brought an air of short-termism and underachievement to the club. If they continue down this road, it will probably end with a final clash reminiscent of Guttmann and Benfica. And they will never win a cup again, not in a hundred years.
But enough about the bigger picture for now. This evening though is all about escapism. Let’s get out the popcorn and enjoy the drama!
(This article was originally written for Distilled Magazine.)
