Heart Wounds Left Unhealed
The unseen impact of unresolved traumas and grief on our lives
“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
We all know it, right? we all felt it when you are among friends, we are happy, chatting, gossiping, then there is this deep voice coming from the inside telling you this is so tiring, just give up, you are getting nowhere. That passing word that gave you sleepless nights and took you back many years ago, that wound you thought healed then it is here again, in better health than you. these doubts you always have every time you start committing to new habits, this inner voice saying “you can not”. When you felt like catching feelings after an unsuccessful relationship so you heard it there saying “Oh here we go again” or “That is what you said the time before”
We used to call this “heart voice” or even “heaven signs”. Actually this has nothing to do with the future, these are just unsolved feelings from our past trying to keep us away from what we think, unconsciously, is going to hurt us again.
When anyone suggested to me being traumatic I used to say “of course not!”. I had a normal ease-into life, but after a while, I realized that traumas are traumas for how they make you feel not for what they are. You do not need to lose a dear to death to experience the feeling of loss, you do not need to get rejected for your dream job to know rejection. Your best friend moving away is a loss, your loved ones rejecting you is a rejection, any feeling of loss\ rejection\ manipulation\ toxicity can be a trauma that has a deep unconscious effect on our behavior now, and everyone can detect his defense mechanics to his past traumas according to how he feels when recalling it.
Personally, I have guts remembering the school stressed days which usually keeps me from committing to any new learning process. I feel the pain in my heart each time I recall my first heartbreak, even from friends. I remember having a hard time through my 15th, I still freak out recalling even the music related to this stage of my life. All these feelings were left unsolved, I buried them deep down and thought they will be safe just there, till I found out that I created a large snowball that can hit me hard at any time it is triggered to move.
According to psychologists, this is the stages we all get through when being exposed to any type of trauma, known as the “Kübler-Ross model”:
1-Denial
I am not that hurt/ I did not have this loss/ I was not rejected.
2-Anger
how could they do this to me? how can I live without her? How dare they reject me? Why is this happening to me?
3-Bargaining
Maybe I did not lose it forever/ maybe I am getting a better job.
4-Depression
I lost it/ I can not do without/ I am never trying again.
5-Acceptance
I lost once, but I am trying again/ I am avoiding my past mistakes
I can tell where I am for each trauma I remember, and rarely do I reach the acceptance stage but I am still learning how to heal, traumas won`t affect our future as they keep saying, traumas are about our past, and in the same way we need fear to stop us from acting carelessly, our traumas are giving us a chance to have better experiences by handling things differently.
Having talks with my inner voice, I am coming to know exactly what are his fears, how have I got myself harmed last time, have I over-called my feelings? was I just escaping reality? was this just a lack of knowledge?
I know it had not been easy for you to get through, I know you may not be ready to handle now, do not be in a rush, take your time, wounds take time to heal, flowers need time to bloom, even the Sun, the brightest nearest star, takes a rest too. But please call things with their names, do not call your traumas experience, do not call your traumas effect signs. You have a mind that can judge things clearly, you have a heart that is carrying you through all of this and is never letting you down.
“The most beautiful people I have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
