The One Single Skill You Need To Become A Better Conversationalist
(And, Surprisingly, It Does Not Involve Speaking)
Do you know how much space people leave, on average, between one person finishing a sentence and another person answering? Less than half a second.
As you can imagine, there is no way that, in such a short time, you listened to what the other person said, thought about it and then came up with an appropriate response.
Looking at my personal experience, I would say that this is even an optimistic statistic.
Think about it: how often do you engage in a conversation and the other person cuts you off before you can finish your sentence? They are replying to what you are saying without having the complete piece of information you want to give them. It means that, without finishing to listen to you, they are already thinking about what to do next. In other words, they are just “guessing”.
We all have that type of friend, right? Or maybe, we are that type of person, sometimes without even realizing it. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree on one thing: this is a very annoying behavior and it surely prevents us from having good and meaningful conversations. Such a pity, right? We all appreciate good talks with people. They fulfill our need for social interactions and bonding, they enrich us, they teach us something new, they entertain us and make us happy. We all admire good conversationalists, people that are easy to get along with, that provide value, they are usually likeable and successful.
Well, I have good news for you: becoming better at conversating usually takes one single skill (and the funny part is that it does not involve much speaking). This magic skill is called “active listening”.
What is active listening?
Active listening simply means that, when speaking with someone, you listen attentively to what the other person says, you fully absorb yourself in their talk, you engage with them in a positive and attentive way, asking meaningful questions, with an open mind and without holding any judgment. As a result of that, your interlocutor will feel valued and understood, and that’s always a good feeling.
P.S: not surprisingly active listening is one of the bases of a good coach since it creates trust and empathy. Moreover, it often allows the other person to better understand their situation, raise awareness and look for solutions.
How to practice active listening:
You find tons of articles on tips and tricks for active listening. There are surely some techniques that will help you to become a better listener. I will quickly mention them here for matter of completeness and, of course, because they are all true and valuable. However, all these techniques are useless unless you do not apply a fundamental shift in how you approach conversations (read till the end to know the massiveeeee bonus-tip from your favorite coach). 😉
- Eye contact and positive body language. Look at the other person while they are speaking, but don’t stare at them all the time…that’s weird, right? As a rule of thumb, aim for eye contact about 60% — 70% of the time while you are listening. Additionally, adopt a positive and open body language, smile, nod, lean towards the other person. The usual stuff, you know it, time to apply it.
- Clarifying, summarizing and paraphrasing. All these will allow you to make sure you understood what has been said, to maintain the focus on the conversation and, most important, will reassure the other person you are really listening.
3. Don’t interrupt. Everyone hates that. It’s irritating, it’s impolite…don’t do it.
4. Don’t think about your answer while the other person is talking. When you listen…well, just listen! Do not think in advance about what you are going to say next. It is ok to take a few seconds after they stop talking. We have this strange bias toward silence, we feel it is weird, we try to avoid it. Silence is good, it means you are actually thinking about what you are about to say. Silence can be full of meaning. Use the power of silence wisely.
5. Ask powerful questions. Deep dive into the topic asking more open-ended questions. People usually love to talk and tell you more. Giving them the chance to do so will make you a great speaker.
6. Be open-minded, neutral, and withhold judgment while listening. You can have your personal opinion of course, but it does not mean it is always the right one.
Well ladies and gentlemen, no doubt these are all valuable suggestions but, as said earlier, they will not serve you unless you apply one other very important advice, which is “reframing your mindset”.
What I mean by this is that you should approach every conversation as an opportunity for learning. Every person has a beautiful and unique story to tell. Listen to them like you read a book, full of curiosity and thirst to know more. Be proactive, encourage the other person to open up, create trust, create empathy. Do not be pushy, give them your full attention. Be genuinely interested in what they are telling you. This is in fact, in my opinion, the Holy Grail of great conversations: genuine interest.
All the techniques mentioned before are great and effective and they can definitely help you to become a better listener. However, they are useless unless you are not able to be really interested in what the other people say. It doesn’t really matter if the topic itself is not something you really care about or you are familiar with. Approach the conversation as an opportunity to learn something new, as a new story to discover, as an enriching experience.
Do that and people will love talking with you…and you will absolutely love listening to them.
