An Addiction to Disagreeing

The disease of Internet commenters

Addiction has found its way back into the headlines like a tsunami again. The heartbreaking narrative of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s untimely death has felt like a collective punch to the gut. Approaching each memoriam and obituary published feels like walking up to a horrible car accident, the sense of loss is staggering.

Adding to the trauma has been the nascent rise of a nameless mob of Internet commenters compelled to add negative sentiments to the situation. A handful of my friends have remarked on how they simply can’t scroll down after reading another piece on Hoffman’s life because they “get too angry”. In fact, in just writing this, I’m sure I have awakened the hare trigger in someone ready to decimate my opinion. Thankfully, Medium has no comment section

Three pieces post Hoffman’s death have moved me profoundly, all three have been by recovering drug addicts. Jeff Deeney’s view on the rise of heroin in the United States for the Atlantic, a 2013 piece for The Guardian by Russell Brand and Aaron Sorkin’s touching yet gut-wrenching obit for Time. Each of these individuals simply came to the table to share their own perspectives with experience, strength and hope. They don’t posit themselves as experts, they’re simply in a position to share heartfelt opinion with earnest intentions.

So, why not allow others to share their comments in these times of woe? I would argue that the intentions are different. The insensitivity of most comments I’ve seen on this subject would suggest that we have evolved into a nation of contrarians. The moment a tragedy takes place, we feel a compulsive need to devalue it and add our own comment to the story in order to “be heard”. It’s as if we’re shouting, “Hi, I’m massively insecure and really need someone on the Internet to know I have strong opinions on this. Also, I’m not too concerned about anyone else’s feelings. Ps. I’m right.”

I get it. I’m a former journalist. I was paid to analyze and critique for a living. I know the joy in sharing a sharp opinion. However, we have gone beyond that. If Hoffman’s death is a horrific car accident, negative Internet commenters are the motorists driving past taking photos to post online rather than stopping to help or pray for the victim’s family.

Disagreeing is not wrong. Sharing an opinion is not wrong. However, it seems many have lost the ability (or perhaps never honed the ability) to “agree to disagree.” The lack of dignity and respect is mindblowing.

The questions I wonder when seeing derisive comments are these:

1. What good are you bringing to this issue? Is your opinion as well-thought out or well-intentioned as the author’s? There is no shortage of heart breaking news in media. You have an opportunity with each keystroke to be a force for good or a force for divisiveness. What will you choose and why?
2. What if this was your family? How would you feel reading these comments if this individual had been your brother, your father or your best friend? Even if you were angry with them, your sense of love and loss would compel you to defend them or at least, show respect. You would hurt because they hurt.
3. Can you share your dissenting opinion without snark? Snark is ego. Snark is insecurity masquerading as expertise. It is not needed in times of tragedy. If you’re a professional comedian, perhaps… but chances are it wouldn’t be great for your career to offer it anyhow.
4. What would happen if you didn’t disagree? What if you paused, let a few moments pass and went on your way. Instead of taking thirty seconds to set off a war; you could simply observe, keep your contrarian opinion to yourself and move on. You would probably feel better about yourself and you would not be affecting others who read your negativity.
5. Have you thought of praying for the people you are criticizing? Compassion is far more likely to create change, than negative comments.

The first step in recovery for addicts is admitting they are powerless over their addiction. The compulsive nature with which individuals attack each other online seems to suggest that many are powerless over their actions. The other half of the first step states addicts should acknowledge that “our lives had become unmanageable.” Could that be true of you? What an interesting view. Perhaps, instead of picking apart someone else’s faults or offering up negativity, we could look at how our own lives are unmanageable.

It’s not a new story, it is the old parable of the plank and the speck:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:1-5 (Also Luke 6:41-42)

The world is not short on derisive views, it is short on love. Experiment with being a voice of love. If you have nothing nice to say… you know the rest.

Here is my opinion: six days ago, a man I did not know personally died. He had a girlfriend and three children. He struggled with addiction. He left a legacy of work far more recognizable than most. He seems to be regarded as a kind person. I hope someone will stay sober another day or get sober because of his death. Ultimately, it is sad, it is simply sad.