The Smartest Thing I Ever Did
In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, a story about a special thing I did for my mother.
On June 3rd, 2012, Maria das Graças de Jesus de Oliveira Simonian (that’s how we roll in Brazilian-Armenian families) crossed over to be with my father. After a four year battle with breast cancer, the mysterious plague that affects 1 in 8 American women, my mom passed away. Rather than focus on buying pink stuff or running 5Ks this October, I thought I would share a story of the best thing I did while my mom was fighting breast cancer. Here it is: I threw her a party.
Yep. Two weeks before my mom died, we had a 50-person birthday party for her that I now call “the Hello-Goodbye party”. At the time, I didn’t think much about it, I just wanted to do something nice for her (besides care-taking). Reflecting on it recently, I realized it was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Here’s why:
- “Hello-Goodbye” parties redirect black clouds
If you’ve ever been a caretaker for someone terminally ill, you feel like a black cloud is following you everywhere. The cloud hangs heavy like cosmic background radiation, hard to see at times but always felt. Everything hangs on the word, “when.” When will she lose the ability to walk? When will she lose the ability to talk? Now that the “death rattle”* has started, when will she take her last breath? It’s exhausting and depressing.
However, throwing a party allows you both to take a brief moment to shift your focus and just be. The main goal of any party is simply, “have fun.” Attendees know this, planners know this and every birthday girl knows this. If someone tries to come and rain on this parade, you can promptly remind them: “Our focus today is fun.”
2. It helps to lessen patient guilt
Parents are lousy patients — especially parents born in the era known as “the Greatest Generation.” These folks do not like asking for help, do not like going to the doctor and really do not like your hippie suggestions for an organic juice diet. They design their lives to avoid putting anyone out. This work ethic makes them a tremendously productive generation but also one that could use a vacation… or five.
Throwing a party for someone terminally ill allows the patient to not feel guilty about the amount of care they’re receiving. The party allows you to tell your stubborn patient, “Hi, we don’t need you to fix anything today, this is your day.” Ps. They will tell you they don’t care about having a party and don’t want you to spend your money. Do it anyway (and lie about how much it cost).
3. It allows people to say hello, instead of goodbye
As I mentioned in a previous post on here, sometimes people are weird with death. Many folks you will consider dear friends won’t offer up more than a tacit “You’re in my prayers!” on Facebook during this time. Forgive them and know that one day they will likely need your advice in this arena.
That said, a birthday party allows all kinds of folks (even ones who are weird with death) to come and celebrate while the person is still here. My mom had everyone from church buddies, family friends, my friends and my brothers’ friends drop by her party. Guests shared stories, laughed, prayed with her, sang, drank beer and ate tacos. It was awesome. She couldn’t leave her bed so we kept most of the party outside with visitors making the rounds inside, but it didn’t matter. She felt the love.
Most importantly, she heard people tell her how important she was to them before she died. I can’t over-emphasize how important this is. The feeling that “If I only had a chance I would have said…” was not really a problem for most of us when my mom died.
4. Suggestions for a “Hello-Goodbye” party
For the party planner, ask for help. Let a few folks in on your plans then divide and conquer. You will likely be busy enough care-taking so don’t throw decorating, ordering catering, sending invites and managing guests on top of it.
Instruct guests in the invite to bring a good attitude, maybe flowers but no food for the birthday person (unless specified by planner). Many terminally ill patients can no longer eat their favorite foods so you don’t want to remind them of what they’re missing. I found that books and DVDs were a good gift for my mom too. I read to her a lot and we watched Empire Strikes Back etc. in her last week. Anything that brings comfort, peace, entertainment, laughter and joy should be key. (Also, ban use of the word ‘goodbye’.)
Take a lot of pictures. I actually love the pictures from my mom’s party because toward the end of her life, there weren’t many of us smiling. However, I have over a dozen photos of folks sitting on my mom’s bed, smiling and laughing and those are priceless.
5. Relish the present
The time to cry and talk with annoying funeral directors will inevitably arrive however, be sure to fully enjoy the party. Focus on a life well lived. Have a giant card where guests can write what they love about the birthday person, funny memories or important takeaways from their relationship. Save your tears for the bathroom and be silly, wonderful and present.
Lastly, encourage copious use of the word, “I love you.” After your loved one is gone, you will realize that no matter how many times you said it… it was never enough. This poem sums it up for me:
In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.Jeffrey McDaniel
