A Friday Chat About the Whaboom

What a world!

Photo: Pixabay

MEGAN: Nicole, my friend, happy Friday!

NICOLE: Happy Friday!

MEGAN: It’s an unseasonably warm day in good old Brooklyn and I’m in a great mood, maybe because I forgot about all the bad things that happened earlier this week because it’s Friday. I’m also in a great mood because The Bachelorette starts on Monday.

NICOLE: Oh, The Bachelorette. How many Bachelorettes are we up to now?

MEGAN: I have no idea, I want to say like…6? I’m curious about this season because I love a good mindless TV show, but the most exciting part about every season of this stupid show is when they plop out all the contestants and we get to learn about what they do for a living. This year is…..there’s a lot going on!

NICOLE: I am always impressed and/or appalled by the way these contestants choose to describe their employment status. Not that one should be defined by their employment status, but this year we literally have a doctor who prefers to describe himself as a professional Tickle Monster.

He’s not even revealing the doctor part in his interview! I had to go elsewhere to find that information, because he prefers to be known BY THE ENTIRE WORLD as a Tickle Monster.

MEGAN: Here is what makes me want to die about this. I mean, a lot of things do, if I’m being honest, but let’s start with the fact that he is a doctor. He’s a medical professional. He ostensibly went to med school and sees patients. Like, I get that part of the thing with this show is that you want to make yourself stand out, so if your actual job is like, washing machine salesperson, but you’re really into hoverboards, you might call yourself, I don’t know, a Party Monster.

But. A DOCTOR. SHOULD NOT. CALL HIMSELF A TICKLE MONSTER. Can you imagine being his patient and then seeing that he’s a Bachelor and THEN reading that he CHOSE TO CALL HIMSELF A TICKLE MONSTER.

NICOLE: And is it, like, the kind of tickle monster that means “I’m great with kids, I love kids, FAMILY MAN” or is it more of an R-rated tickle monster? Either way I am not rooting for this guy to win.

MEGAN: An “R-rated tickle monster.” HELP. My only other thought was that maybe he’s like, uh, hmm, how to put this — a tickle enthusiast? Like that fascinating and highly recommended documentary Tickled, which honestly does not deserve any explanation that I could possibly give, so here’s the trailer.

Regardless….I do not want Rachel Lindsay, the Bachelorette, who has already been through a gauntlet (of her own making, I get it) to end up with a grown man who self-identifies as a Tickle Monster.

NICOLE: What about the guy who self-identifies as a Whaboom?

MEGAN: OH MY GOD.

This guy is like….he’s yelling about his balls to a woman he’s never met, then he calls himself her “future husband” and he prefers to speak through a megaphone. I get that this show is about making a name for yourself under the guise of finding love, but……Whaboom is too nebulous a thing to brand and sell. Like is it a product? A way of life? Is it that horrifying full-face, open-mouth jiggle vocalization he does at the end?

NICOLE: NOBODY WANTS THAT, Whaboom guy. Nobody wants you to shake your face like Droopy Dog and shout Whaboom like some other cartoon character I can’t think of right now.

MEGAN: The action reminded me of dog food commercials when like, a giant basset hound comes running towards the camera, all jowls and spit, flopping in slow motion, and you’re supposed to find it cute. It’s not cute. Maybe it’s kind of cute on a dog, because once the dog has stopped bounding towards you, you can find a paper towel and wipe off the surrounding area. With an adult man wearing a t-shirt with his face on it under a blazer, you have to just…sit there.

NICOLE: And yet ABC was like “if we pick this weirdo, everyone will talk about him.” Which we are doing.

MEGAN: Sadly, they’ve won.

NICOLE: Also, I looked it up: this is the thirteenth Bachelorette. We have done THIRTEEN of these.

MEGAN: …….wow. You know, I’m pretty sure that at the end of the world, the only two things that will be on TV are the Kardashians and this franchise. People will always want to watch other people “find love,” even if they know it’s scripted within an inch of its life.

NICOLE: May the best bachelor, um… win.