Coping With The Worst Case Scenario
Chatting with Bailey Poland about death, divorce, and the importance of asset titling in the midst of tragedy
I first reached out to author Bailey Poland for this piece, in response to her tweets about Millennials living with their parents and whether they ought to be paying rent.
Our conversation — which has been edited and condensed — ended up being about much more.
Can you give us a little background on who you are and your current situation? You mentioned on Twitter that you’re living at your parents’ house but that you also own your own house. (The difference between “home” and “house” gets pretty fascinating pretty quickly in these conversations!)
I bought a house with my husband last spring/summer, and ended up moving out and back in with my parents last November. My husband was a severe alcoholic, and I couldn’t tolerate the lying or the drinking anymore and felt that he was never going to get help as long as I was there supporting him financially. He killed himself in January of this year. So that’s how I ended up living at home while having ownership of a house that I really only lived in for a handful of months. When we were going to get divorced, the plan was that he would keep the house (although I continued paying the mortgage and bills even after I moved out).
The distinction between a house and a home is definitely a big one for me, and it’s something I think about a lot with my current situation!
Holy lord, I’m so sorry. Yes, I would imagine “house” vs. “home” would be something you’d end up thinking about a lot in your position.
Thank you. It is really not a normal situation for a 26-year-old. I’ve only met one other woman who was widowed on the cusp of divorce since he died, and she is in her 50s, so my grieving process has been very strange. I’m doing okay, though, which helps. :)
Are you selling the other house?
I am attempting to sell the house. I actually have not yet received the official death certificate, which has held up the estate process significantly, and I can’t list the house until my name is the only one on the deed. It is a very expensive, drawn-out process.
We were just talking on the site about the invisible importance of titling assets and how, post-divorce, women often run into trouble around that because, if they were married to a man, the man’s name was listed first, or else companies simply assume he was the person responsible.
I have come across that! His name was first on pretty much everything, even information on accounts where I’ve reported his death still come addressed to him. Getting his name off of the deed has been one of my major frustrations, since he was a lawyer and wrote it himself.
Oh wow, extra layers of complication! Wouldn’t all his assets, including the house, default to you as his wife after his death, though?
Ordinarily the deed would be written so that it automatically transfers to the spouse’s name in the event of a death. For reasons I will never understand, he wrote it so that that’s not what happened. I am working with an estate lawyer who knew him, and he is as baffled as I am as to why he would have done that.
I’m so sorry. Coping with death or disaster is hard enough without also having to untangle the knots of property law.
Thank you. It’s been a tough year!
In the meantime, you’re living with your parents? Had you lived with them before since leaving for college?
I am living with my parents right now, as well as my almost-15-year-old brother. I moved back home for a handful of months after finishing my undergraduate degree while I found a job and started building up my savings to move out. I never expected to move back in after I got my first apartment post-college.
What’s different about living with them now as opposed to then? Did you not pay rent then and do you contribute now, for example?
It’s definitely different now! When I first moved in after college, I was in the basement, as I had 2 siblings living at home, so not being in the basement now is a big improvement (far fewer spiders!). Now, also, my sister is here only intermittently as she works on her undergraduate degree and travels a lot. I paid rent then, and I pay rent now — contributing financially has always been important to me, even though I know my parents don’t expect it to be a huge amount. I am using space, electricity, water, food, and so on, so I feel obligated to contribute what I can in terms of helping pay for that, clean up around the house, and generally make life easier.
The relationships are definitely different given everything that’s happened in all our lives over the past few years, but it’s still a very positive environment, and I am lucky in that regard.
Were any expectations made explicit, on your part or on the part of your parents, either this time or the first time? Did you lay out a list of things you felt you wanted to contribute? Did they have suggestions?
It’s been fairly “figure it out as we go” both times. When I put my phone back on the family plan after leaving my husband, for example, we figured out how much that was going to cost, and I added that amount into what I pay each month. If I have a big expense one month, or am working from home a lot and using more electricity, I try to adjust accordingly.
Are your parents still paying a mortgage, and if so did you use that to figure out how much to pay in rent? I always wonder about this when twenty-somethings move back home: if there’s a mortgage, there’s an actual bill to help pay; if the house is paid off, though, then the post-adolescent might simply be contributing in a somewhat token, but still emotionally important, way.
They are still paying a mortgage. They’re actually considering moving in the near future, with my dad’s health issues (he received a double lung transplant in March of this year as a result of a rare autoimmune illness). We haven’t used that particular yardstick, I think in part because I’m paying my own mortgage, which eats up the bulk of my income each month. My contribution is relatively token at this point, but between the time I’m able to sell my house and move out, I plan to increase it pretty dramatically to help out more with that.
Wait, so you’re paying a mortgage on the house that legally may or may not be yours?
I am: mortgage, water, and lawn care, every month. It is absurdly expensive to own a house you’re not living in.
One you’re not technically able to sell, either! What a nightmare.
It has not been fun. I have had many conversations with the coroner’s office about how their refusal to make a determination on his cause of death is costing me about $1,000/month. It’s extremely frustrating to have to put so much of my financial life on hold because of circumstances outside my control.
What’s with the hold up with the coroner?
It’s a little convoluted. I say expensive because I can’t move forward with things like getting his car titled to me so I can sell it, or getting the deed out of his name, until I have the final death certificate. Right now I only have a “pending” certificate, as they try to determine his cause of death. So the cost to me is basically passive: maintaining the house, paying the mortgage, having his car, etc. I know another woman whose brother passed earlier this year, and people got up in arms on their behalf after 2 days of not getting a certificate. I’m going on 7 months without it.
They’ve told me it’s because the results they have don’t support ruling his death a suicide, so my understanding is that they’re trying to determine what actually killed him and whether it was suicide or accidental death. If there was a life insurance policy hanging in the balance, which there’s not, it would make a huge difference — as things stand, he left notes, so his family and I are calling it suicide. The legal technicalities are just keeping us from getting closure.
Do you have a full-time job right now?
I do, I work full time as a communications analyst for a global human capital management company. I am also working on my MA and have a book coming out this November. It’s a busy year!
Do you have the sense that you’ll look back and remember nothing?
At times, yeah, especially the weeks right after Gabe died. That’s all very hazy, even now, which is okay by me. It was rough.
Did anyone from his family step in to help with anything in the aftermath, or did you have to do it all, including the funeral?
That has actually been one of the only positive outcomes. Before he died, his family and I did not get along at all. After he died, we figured out that he had been lying to us all about each other since he and I started dating. So now I’m very close with his family: they helped pay for the funeral, they helped clean out the house, and we chat and see each other fairly regularly. I just got a very sweet birthday card from his parents.
Oh thank heavens, some good news. Well, I wish you lots of luck as you try to straighten all of this out as quickly as possible.
Thank you. :) Same here!
Was there anything particular you learned from these various disasters that could be applicable to Billfold readers — anything related to money or handling assets?
I think a few things could be applicable. The first one I would advise is for everyone to always know where their money is, what’s going on with their assets, and how any legal agreement they’re entering is structured. I thought I could trust my husband to make sure things were taken care of, and couldn’t, and that has cost me an incredible amount of money that could have been used to get my life back on track.
In any situation where your finances are concerned, get involved, ask a lot of questions, and make sure you know what’s going on. And if you find yourself in a situation like mine (whatever the details are) where you have to move back in with your parents for an extended period of time, finding a way to contribute will make everyone feel much more comfortable with the arrangement — even if it’s not a financial contribution, things like taking care of your own laundry, helping cook meals, running errands, etc. will make a big difference. It’s like any living arrangement: doing your part matters.
Thank you so much, Bailey! Can we connect again in six months or so and get an update? I’m sure everyone’s going to want to know what happened, how this all was resolved.
Absolutely! I would love that.
