How to Fix Your Bathtub That Won’t Drain Using These 30 Easy Steps

1. Live in a rental apartment.

2. Call your landlord.

BARRING THAT:

(Like if you live in a rental apartment and your lease just expired and you don’t want to remind your landlord to increase your rent.)

(Or, you own a house.) (lol.)

1. Go on the internet for a while, really just read up on all your options. Did you know you can become your own plumber after just like, 10 minutes on WikiHow? And some people pay for that? HA.

2. Decide that based on your extensive research, the problem is obviously that there is a big clump of hair just below the drain cover, god this is so easy, why do plumbers even exist.

3. Find a screwdriver so you can unscrew the screw holding on the drain cover. It’s probably in the box of crap in the back of your closet. (It’s not.) Okay then it’s in the box of crap on that tall shelf. (It’s not.) Okay what else can you use as a screwdriver. A butter knife! Go get a butter knife. But wait, there on the metal bar that the pervious tenants put up on the wall to hold all the knives! The screwdriver. (Also three corkscrews.)

4. Unscrew drain cover with screwdriver and not butter knife. Pull screw through, lift drain cover dramatically, brace self for HAIRBALL FROM HELL.

5. It’s not there.

6. I was so sure it was going to be there and nothing is there. This is really disappointing.

7. Okay, plan B: Watch some YouTube videos. (Watch the first minute of some YouTube videos.) Make your own snake with a metal coathanger.

8. Try to put your coat hanger into the pipe in order to clean it out. Just try that. Have fun with that. “Make sure not to push anything further into the hole.” Oh okay. I can’t see anything, but okay. Okay guess what: It does not work. You just end up getting the hanger stuck in the drain. And for what? For naught. Back to the internet.

9. Bingo, found it. YouTube: “How To: unclog a bath tub drain the right way.” Tell me, gregory747. Tell me everything. “Stopped up drain causes soap scum and water at your ankels when showering.” Okay tell me less.

10. Okay, gregory747 says you don’t have to make your own snake out of a metal coat hanger. So true, gregory747. Instead, he says if you take out the the pop up drain stopper, that’s where all the hair actually is. Big wad of hair. Truly disgustingly large wad of hair. Okay. Okay. This is going to be epic. I mean look at what he found!

IT KEEPS GOING.

11. Okay. This is so great, god. I am so capable. Unscrew metal plate on popup drain stopper. Pull drain stopper out from scary dark hole that goes down to drain. It’s kind of wonky. Work with it. Is it going to break? God I hope not? Pull hard on rusted metal, just yank it, it’s okay, it’s fine. It’s loose! AH HA, ALL WORTH IT, HERE IT COMES. Except — no hair. Not one strand, of hair, on the popup drain stopper.

12. Throw popup drain stopper down in fit of annoyance.

13. Make sure your hissy fit didn’t scratch enamel on tub. (It didn’t.)

14. But even if it had it’d be fine, you can just look up that on YouTube, obviously it’s all soooo easy, isn’t it. Stupid people wanting stupid clicks will say anything to get you to go on their stupid sites even if they have no idea what they’re talking about. DIY on the internet is dead. It’s over. I’m buying some Drano. Fuck everything.

15. But first let me just check to see if unscrewing either of these things I unscrewed didn’t fix the problem. I mean, you never know. Let me just turn this water on right quick and see if it drains.

16. Actually another one of the things to try was to put boiling water down the drain, so maybe I’ll just turn the hot all the way up and try that while I’m at it.

17. Ha now the tub is not draining at all.

18. Like, not even slowly. Just not. At all. Hahaha. What a fun hour this has been. Fun and productive.

19. Google: “Can you use drano if your bathtub is filled with water” (No.)

20. Google: “What do you do if your bathtub is filled with water” (“Check to make sure your drain stopper isn’t engaged.”) (lakjdflkasjdflkasjdfsd)

21. Okay but actually, Google says, plunging, is the answer. You put your plunger in your bathtub and you plunge the drain. Like, a lot. Just plunge the heck out of it.

22. Do that for awhile. It doesn’t work.

23. Read some more things and basically they say, “You are not doing it hard enough. Also, plug up that hole you made earlier when you unscrewed the popup drain, don’t you understand how plunging works. Put a wet dishtowel in the hole. Twist it. Plunge.

24. Like just plunge a lot. Is this the coolest thing you’ve ever done? Maybe?

25. Check drain. (Not draining.)

26. Plunge. PLUNGE.

27. Check drain. (Not draining.)

28. PLUNGE PLUNGE PLUNGE PLUNGE PLUNGE

29. Check drain. IT DRAINS. THAT AMAZING TORNADO OF DRAIN.

30. Throw away wet dish towel. Put tools on shelf. Definitely don’t screw anything back on. Call dad to let him know you just unclogged the drain on the shower. By yourself.