Dark Poetry | Haiku
Parasite
Born and Forfeited
Never meant to grow
Forcing skin and womb to stretch
Parasitic life
Disguise the belly
Too late to be extracted
Remain in silence
Unwanted life grows
Drug and drink within the babe
A reviled secret
A mortal aberration
Abandon and give away
Let it cry alone
Mother’s Day was something I was forced to celebrate for most of my life. Even though I had a mother who actively chose not to be in it. Although my relationship with my mother is much better today the pain of our past still lingers.
My mother was seventeen when she gave birth to me. However, she did not tell anyone she was pregnant until she went into labor. While I understand that silence came from very real fear, her treatment of me while I came into being was solely a choice. She drank and did drugs. Went on rollercoasters. All the things you aren’t supposed to do. Yet she talks about this as if it doesn’t matter. But it does. It serves as a reminder of how unwanted I was from the jump. Not just unwanted, but hated. Enough for the thought of me being gone was justification enough to harm me. After I was born that belief and harm continued throughout my household and extended family.
After a couple of nights, my Newborn Me was moved into my grandparents’ room. They took over my care from then on. A few years later they became my legal guardians and my mother gave up her rights. My mother was in and out from that time until I was sixteen. Sometimes living with my grandparents and thus me. Quite honestly, even as a child, I was treated as just a roommate. One to avoid and just be civil with. That was when she acknowledged me anyway.
She’s abandoned me multiple times in my childhood. Once leaving a letter. My grandma read it to me, but I couldn’t understand a word. I was too young. There is another incident I can remember. Vividly. She and my aunt had taken my cousin and me out to eat. I was so happy because my mother wanted to be with me. We were being normal. Everyone who looked at us wouldn’t think twice about her wanting me. No one could tell I was what I was.
At some point after getting home, I went to my grandparents’ room and drew a picture for her. I came to bring it to her room. It was empty. And she was gone. No one told me she was leaving. She never mentioned it as we ate. And she never said goodbye. She was just gone. I remember falling to my knees. Crying in the middle of that empty room.
When I was a teenager, she broke up with her long-time boyfriend. She moved back in with us. She finally started acknowledging me. We didn’t reconnect. She just decided I was worth talking to all of a sudden. Our relationship remained strained until my mid-twenties. That’s when I would go to bars with her. Just so we could spend some time together. Admittedly, not great for someone just coming out having a drinking problem. Though, I’m proud to say I held it together and never went over my limit. However, we later ended up having a falling out and didn’t speak for years. It wasn’t until mid-2020 that we started connecting. Mainly because my cat/best friend died and I got really [physically] sick.
It was hard. Still, our relationship in the last few years has grown. It’s no longer my mother wanting to be my acquaintance or even friend. She feels like my mother now. Still, I don’t feel comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day. I truly don’t know if I ever will. It’s been reduced to bad memories and painful longing. I find no joy in it. I can’t make Mother’s Day less painful for Little Me so I really don’t see the point in anything beyond buying a gift. It holds no meaning.
AVG
Originally written May 10, 2024
