My Letter to Parents
I remember like it was yesterday, seeing a bandage on my daughter’s hand and not even considering it may be a self-inflicted cut. She told us the dog had scratched her, which I didn’t overthink whatsoever. What followed was indescribable, and as a parent something I could not see coming. My daughter is not yet “recovered” from self-harm but if I would offer something to parents that could help them, I would say these things to you.
Listen first. It is our natural response to jump into action mode and ask a thousand questions. Eighteen months later, I do wish in the beginning we had just let it sit for a while and not asked too many questions or bombarded her with words. It is our own fear as parents that cause this, and a lack of understanding. A better response is to tell them you are there, and if they are ready to talk about it, you are available to do that with them, and do not make them feel judged. Do not ask them why they did it, do not say “how could you do this to yourself?” Just hear them and tell them you’ll help them through it. Hopefully this will keep an open dialogue between you and your teen, which can help so much in the long run. Educate yourself, whether that be online, or from a therapist, so that you have the knowledge to best handle this. Utilize social media, because there are people and experts on Instagram right now talking about this important topic. This is an underserved area, in my opinion. We need more talking and more information about non-suicidal self-injury or NSSI. There are excellent podcasts as well, which are dedicated to this niche. My favorite podcast is “The Psychology of Self-Injury”, with Dr. Nicholas Westers @docwesters on Instagram. Read all the books! You can find so many books on the topic, from various perspectives. Go to the library and check them all out, which is what I did!
Get help. And quick. A therapist, counselor, anyone that you can get your teen in front of and start unpacking this with. We then followed with something called DBT which is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Your teen needs to be willing to put in the effort and do the work of this program, or it’s not very effective in my opinion. I do encourage parents to try this though, as it can be a very effective tool. DBT is an evidence-based therapy that helps teach them skills to utilize, and it helps with emotion regulation, decreasing stress and anxiety, and changing behaviors. A reputable site like Psychologytoday.com can help you search for DBT therapists in your area.
Remember, self-harm is often an addiction. The urges felt by the teen can be powerful, and the goal is to learn techniques that allow the teen to intervene and use skills to prevent harming when they feel they need to. This can be getting outside for a walk, playing with a pet, drawing on the arm with a pen, or anything that gets the mind focused on something else. In DBT we learned even holding ice cubes in the hands can help reset an urge. My daughter enjoys crochet and will spend all night crocheting a sweater. It keeps her mind focused and in control of something else. The most helpful thing that I have found as a parent when I recognize anxiety in my teen, is to “change the scenery”. Get them up and out of their room, where they can isolate. They dwell in there. They think about it, and they have more opportunities to follow through with an urge they may be feeling. Our therapist likes to say that “depression is a disease of isolation”. If you see them struggling, try to change their environment and see if that helps!
Stay on top of it. Yes, teens value their privacy. In this instance, frankly that is too bad. The safety of your teen is paramount. We crawled around on the floor of her bedroom for many days and hours, in search of each and every razor blade, many hidden away in boxes or even taped underneath the bed. Do this often, and limit time alone. This will be a massive struggle since teens like to be alone in their own spaces and value their privacy. Parents ask me if we check our teen’s phone, and the answer is absolutely. Every therapist we’ve seen, hospital nurses, and those in between have said checking their phones and internet usage is key to their safety. Teens share images of self-harm, and they can compare them. There is an entire online community of teens who self-harm and talk about it. You do not want them in these spaces! It’s like a drug addict that surrounds themselves with people and places that keep them around drugs. They can’t stay clean that way. Talk with your teen about protecting their safety, and how you plan to check in with them on their devices regularly.
Self-harm does not equal suicide. It is called non-suicidal self-injury, or NSSI for a reason. The vast majority of teens who self-harm do not want to die. They are using this as a tool to escape or control a situation. They may have too many strong emotions and not be able to regulate them, or they may have pain or traumas they haven’t dealt with. They may have anxiety around school, friends, or who they are. Do not assume your teen is depressed or suicidal if they self-harm. You want to get them a counselor or therapist so they can determine that, but in general, teens may self-harm for a multitude of reasons, and ending their life is not often the goal. That being said, take every conversation about suicide very seriously, because yes, those who self-harm may be more likely to have suicidal thoughts. If you ever feel unsure, or they come to you unsure, act on it. We did this with our daughter who had self-injured, and the wound was too severe to treat on her own. She asked to go be checked at the hospital and said that she didn’t feel safe staying at home. She spent 3 days inpatient to reset and remain safe while those thoughts were playing more loudly in her head. Take what they say seriously and just keep checking in and being vigilant!
Get your own support! I will tell you this is my biggest advice to parents, because you need it. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to share with a trusted friend, your family, or anyone that will listen to you and help you feel your own feelings. It will allow you to be a better parent, and will help you express your own frustrations and concerns to someone other than your teen. Get a counselor that you see either alone or with your partner. This will greatly help you on this journey! It takes a village has never been more true. We told our inner circle, so that we would have others to rely on when things were at their worst. I so encourage you to do this!
Be patient. Sadly this is not an overnight fix. It will feel urgent, and it will feel like a lifetime that you’re in this place. There is hope. I don’t know that I would say “recovery” is the right word, but there is hope that your teen can conquer this thing and come out the other side. I am rooting for you!
