My Forgiveness Journey: Hate the Action, Love the Actor
No matter your walk of life, we have all experienced hurtful things that prompted a journey towards forgiveness.
Maybe it was betrayal by a trusted friend. Ill-treatment from family. Or any offense that left you feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.
Throughout the forgiveness journey, we hope to grow away from these feelings towards peace. Perhaps even find beauty and appreciation for the role it played in shaping us into who we are.
But while this is the goal, there is no denying for a while, the anger can be overwhelming, and just the idea of forgiving and letting go can seem like a Disney fantasy illusion.
I found myself wrestling with these feelings years ago after a series of poor experiences. I held steadfast on to the anger, reeling until days turned to months then years.
During this time, I noticed a dark, insidious change in myself that I did not welcome, like a slow erosion of my spirit. It scared me, and at that point, I understood there were real consequences to holding onto anger for too long.
After this, it was crystal clear to me that (1). I needed to learn to let go of the anger out of love for myself because not doing so was only hurting me and (2). Forgiveness was the way forward.
One of the philosophies that laid the foundation of compassion necessary for me to learn to forgive is separating the action from the actor.
One of the philosophies that laid the foundation of compassion necessary to learn to forgive is separating the action from the actor.
It is a principle taught in Tibetan Buddhism that means learning to distinguish actions from the individual. It allows space for you to disapprove or condemn the actor’s actions but still have compassion and love for the human being.
The premise of hate the action, love the actor is we are all human beings having a human experience. Not only are we prone to mistakes, but we are also shaped and molded with every experience and interaction we have, good or bad. More often, the latter than they should be. All we can offer is our best. But our best is considerably limited to these experiences.
Therefore, a physically, emotionally, mentally abused society that has grown up in unstable, violent households, experiencing relentless trauma tends to normalize observed behaviors and continue the cycle of abuse. It is a pattern that is disturbingly apparent upon closer inspection of the lives of those that hurt others the most, especially if there is no indication of hopeful alternatives like positive role models, healthy relationship dynamics, havens, or a stable environment.
Note hate the action, love the actor is in not excusing the behaviors of the individual. While no one is responsible for their upbringing and the things that happen to them, we all still carry the burden of redirecting our lives and actions to break the cycles that threaten them. It is not your responsibility to hold anyone’s hand through their journey and subject yourself to more hurtful experiences that will prompt another forgiveness journey. By all means, do what is best for you, setting necessary boundaries to protect yourself.
However, it gives context to the human being and the opportunity to imagine beyond hurtful actions to the parts of their human experience and journey we did not see.
Separating the action from the actor, you will most often find, at the core, someone who wants the same basic things as you: love, security, respect, etc. In a different life with better experiences, they might be someone else entirely. Perhaps even a dear friend.
It made me realize there is a thin line between those that hurt and those who do the hurting, the biggest differentiator, learning to forgive.
Holding on to the anger can turn you into the very people you despised for hurting you with your hurt-filled actions continuing the cycle and prompting others to heal from the interactions and experiences they have with you.
I have found the line too thin not to see myself in those that hurt me, and I hope when the time comes, those I hurt allow me the grace to be disappointed in my actions, not my whole character.
We are all human beings doing our best with our human experiences. To show compassion for the actor, despite their actions, is to equally show compassion for yourself, your journey, and the rest of the human experience others did not see.
Forgiveness is one of the highest forms of love for both you and your fellow man, and this journey taught me the only thing separating me from the actor is making the decision to continue to do so.
